Being Cyrus

Being Stoned!!!

Who you let your scriptwriter be can ruin your movie………..
And the fact that the director Homi Adjania co-wrote the script, he has nobody else to blame but himself…

Satirical, Intense, Subtle, Over-the-top, Loud, Realistic, Noiristic, Hilarious, Abstract are words that come to mind when describing this movie. You cannot associate all the words to a single film without it being exquisitely bad or a masterpiece. Unfortunately this movie falls into the previous category. At the end of viewing this muddled mess all you can do is wonder 'what it could have been.

The story goes like this: Cyrus (Saif) lands up at the door step of a Crack head has-been famous sculptor Dinshaw Sethna (Naseer) and his HORNY wife Katy (Dimple) claiming that he is a big Pankha (fan) of the artist and is there in reference to the ad for apprenticeship posted by Crack head in some newspaper. Cyrus takes up the job and much more at the Sethna household, and by much more I mean Katy's t**s. Katy is a desperate attention seeking whore who seduces Cyrus with her charms, and by charms I mean her t**s; while her crack head husband is totally oblivious of what's "cooking" in his house. He remains stoned (I m not joking when I say Crack head) most of the time daydreaming of what his glorious past was like…

Not only Katy is BEING SERVICED by Cyrus, she is using him to push her own agenda. Crack head has an arse bro Farooq (Boman Irani) in Mumbai with timid wives (Simone) who take "care" of their (Naseer and Boman's) aging father Fardonji (Honey Chaya). Fardonji owns a building (yes a building) in Mumbai which virtually makes him a snake guarding a precious treasure. once you kill the snake/ or he dies the treasure is all yours, but arse farooq and his wife are a thorn; the solution is to get rid of them and Katy employees Cyrus as the pawn for the "kill" but what she does not is that the pawn is actually the king in this game of chess with a certain queen to help him, which is supposed to be the big twist followed by another "kind of" twist right in the final few moments. All it draws is a yawn and that too a long one.

The story is nothing new, a stranger joins a dysfunctional family and uses them to his own advantages; so what you expect is a character driven movie. It starts off well giving us peeks into the life of the Sethnas and Cyrus, but it is only a glimpse. The character development initially takes a leap but prematurely plateaus and ultimately falls on the face. Cyrus being the main protagonist and this being his story, you need to know more about the person he is, not necessarily through his background, which we are again just given a glimpse of, but through his interaction, body language, probably his dreams or something symbolic. All you get is sudden changes in behavior and actions; from a victim to a mastermind to a conniving cold blooded killer to being played around by the queen (of the chess game), his sister and to being naïve about it. There are hints of a troubled childhood leading to psychological issues but not enough to actually substantiate it. As a viewer you don't know whether to sympathize, empathize, be shocked or hate Cyrus or even a combination of few or all of them, making you disinterested since there's no reaction. Just a "whatever" or "blah"…….

The film crosses too many genres and pays tribute to too many film-makers and that's where everything goes wrong. Initially it seems like a satire, a dark comedy then it becomes quite dramatic then onto classic fantasy noir, complete with David Lynch inspired dream sequences and creepy background score, and ultimately a thriller with a not-so-twisted ending. The director tries to pack in too much while trying to be too subtle. Alas it doesn't really work .and like Katy you are left high and dry (pun intended!!!!) while being deceived that you are satisfied.
The performances are top notch, especially Boman Irani and Simone Singh. Simone Simone, Huh!!!! makes you wonder what this talented gorgeous actress is doing when stupid bimbettes like Celina, Ayesha Takia, Amisha, Esha and Rakhi Sawant are frolicking around naked thrusting their bosoms in the name of acting.

Saif, Naseer are excellent. Manoj Pahwa as Lovely, the cop is hilarious. Dimple loses the plot completely in the end; extremely loud and over-the-top, otherwise though she rocks as the promiscuous scheming femme fatale.

The background music is good but sometimes you just wish you could shoot Salim-Suleiman. The cinematography is excellent; the costumes, sets, location are authentic. The dialogues are true to life and sometimes hilarious.

The direction is very good actually but it's the script that is too abstract (not in a good way) and too loose that differentiates this movie from "what it could have been" and a classic. All the correct ingredients are there but the proportion is wrong. Imagine a hot fudge brownie with beef slices and too much sea salt and by sea salt I mean dimple's t**s.

Of course pseudo-intellectuals and "hatke" aficionados who haven't seen David Lynch, Chan-Wook Park, Wong Kar Wai, Pedro Almodovar, Ingmar Bergman, Frederico Fellini, Satyajit Ray or Sudhir Mishra will call this really different and awesome.
It sure is a super first attempt but its no masterpiece…………….

It is definitely worth a dekho for the fine performances and Dimple's Amassive Patel inspired bosom heaving and Asthma attack at the end. Thankfully though Dimple's t** shaking and freaking out scenes are independent unlike Miss Patel's.