Jodha Akbar

JO DUH!!!! AK-BLAH.............

What is with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and crappy scripts? They seem to go hand in hand; Umrao Jaan, Kyun Ho gaya na, Mistress of Spices, Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke, Provoked, do you get the point or should I list more? Normally any product this lady touches turns into gold, I ain't talking about the 400 million cubic feet of gold ore hanging of her ears in this movie, I am talking about the products she endorses. However she touches a movie, it invariably turns into dietary fiber and the result is huge, smoking hot, stinky pooh-pooh platter. El-delicioso!!

To be fair, Jodhaa Akbar ain't as bad……..wait, is it Jodha or Jodhaa or Joddha?.......for all we know she could have been named Disco Shanthi or Hip Hop Luxmi…. ………anyways when you have a director of Ashutosh Gowariker's caliber you set the bar high (hello he made SRK resemble a human and less a retarded alien from the planet Uranus). And speaking of bars, a couple of martinis might help you get through the movie. It is long, very long, very very long; unlike Lagaan it fails to keep you hooked for the running time.

Jalaluddin Akbar becomes emperor of the Mughal Empire, after his father's death, at the age of 13; he dreams of uniting various kingdoms across India under United Colors of Hindustan. He grows up to be a handsome emperor (Hrithik) and proposes the Rajputanas to surrender to his rule or face dire consequences (imposing burkha on all their ladies). The King of Amer (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) presses to form a political alliance with Akbar on the condition that he will marry his daughter Hip Hop Luxmi (Ash) and make her Mallika-E-Hindustan. Akbar asks for time to muse over the proposal. If Akbar was thinking what I was thinking, that time is justified.

Akbar: 'If Hip Hop Luxmi faintly resembles Mr. Butt face here, it's back to good old masturbation for the rest of my life'.

But as fate (and box office value) would have it, Hip Hop Luxmi is outright (one of) the most gorgeous princesses you can find (by waving your money).

Hip Hop Luxmi ain't no piece of meat though. She shall remain a Hindu, would have a shrine for her Krishan-ji in the Mughal palace and will not be Akbar's booty call no matter how horny he gets. No Touching, Period. Akbar is bemused at this woman's audacity and strength (Read: The part on Women's right in Sharia Law, if you find the part let me know). So Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar get hitched. Akbar now has two dreams: United Colors of Hindustan and Operation Get Laid code name Win Joddha's heart. Amidst amateur political intrigues, foolhardy conspiracies, bad character actor's horrifying attempts at acting, love blossoms between Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar. They overcome communal barriers and the jewelry between them to finally love and respect each other. They literally have to get into a swordfight for removing the jewelry Hip Hop Luxmi is wearing, to consummate their marriage. The swordfight comes after a significantly deep and philosophical self-argument Akbar has.

He finally concludes: "F**k Religion. I need to screw Jodhaa."

Hrithik is terrible as Akbar. Yes he is very good looking and in great shape, many people say he is so good looking that he looks almost regal/royal. I am not sure about the royal looking part, has anyone looked at the "royally good looking" Old hag aka Queen of England or her equally "royally good looking" twit/son Prince Charles? Incredible looks don't translate to acting ability though; ask Aishwarya Rai or Angelina Jolie. What he does have is sincerity and decent screen presence; it's not enough for this character. Besides strong screen presence Akbar's character needed someone to exude vulnerability, tenderness and ruthless political ambition simultaneously. Hrithik is too peachy to be ruthless. And then there is his voice. Allegedly, it is a well known fact that, amongst female actresses in India, when Naukrani Mukherji (allegedly female) speaks she farts through her mouth too. An acoustic study can explain how the high frequency and amplitude of Naukrani's fart combined with attempts to speak makes her sound exceptionally dreadful. Hrithik is the male equivalent (not as ghastly as Naukrani though) from Bollywood. His voice doesn't have the command or the necessary modulation. (Watch Pankaj Kapur in Maqbool to see how voice modulation can go a long way in establishing a strong and authentic characterization.) Hrithik does well in the romantic situations with Ash, his persona and voice is just perfect for mushy romance, but as a king his dialog delivery seems affected and his voice pitch fluctuates decidedly. Applause for him trying so hard though.

Aishwarya is quite alright as Jodhaa/ Hip Hop Luxmi actually. Her performance is restrained and resourceful; minimum dialog, appropriate facial expressions and perfect body language. Grace and poise personified, even with the weight of gold jewelry (enough to cause a Tsunami if dropped into the middle of Indian Ocean from a decent height). There is so much gold jewelry in the movie that when Ash wore it, she had her own gravitational field. Guess why Akbar was so "physically attracted" towards Joddha!! Hell that explains why SRK would not look at any other females except Ash in Devdas (and we know how much he likes the "ladies"). And here I thought Sanjay Leela Bhansali didn't know shit about Physics, he has used the principle of gravity in two movies: Devdas and now Joddha Akbar. Wait, Ashutosh directed this movie; all that jewelry screwed me up.

Supporting characters vary from good to appalling…….Sonu Sood is a younger, handsomer version of the Big B in terms of looks and a competent actor. Ila Arun is devilishly scrumptious as Super Bitch Maham Anga, Work it Girl. Niketan Dheer as Sharifuddin is menacing, he commanded more screen time.

The others ham it up "royally". Kulbhushan Kharbanda as Jodhaa's father gets on your nerves, Raza Murad is hopelessly bad and the bald dude who plays young Akbar's lieutenant Bairam Khan or whatever is louder by several decibels than the role demands. The pick of the lot is Poonam Sinha, wife of actor Shatrughan Sinha, who came out of retirement to play Akbar's birth mother. There was a reason she quit movies, she wouldn't get movie roles because she was ostensibly a horrendous actress. She should have stayed retired. Her dialog delivery is so exquisitely poor that the robotic voice on JP Morgan Chase's automated phone banking service seems human. Some really poor casting choices here.

Joddha Akbar is a spectacular movie to look at. The visual appeal is beyond description. The set design by Nitin Desai, cinematography by Kiran Deohans, costumes by Neeta Lula are as grand as they can get without ever being distracting. The Jewelry is a whole different matter (read earlier part of the review).

The music score (background) is shockingly bad; an amateur musician wouldn't botch up the score this bad. A. R. Rahman needs to stop scoring for movies that he composes songs for. He has screwed up too many times: Provoked, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Lord of the Rings: The Musical etc. None of them have been as much of a let down as JA. The background music has no flow, at a given moment it is deafening loud and the next moment it is mellow. Listen to the score of the recent movie The Fountain by Darren Aronofsky, the music takes the movie to a higher level of greatness; here it sticks out sour like Paris Hilton participating in a group discussion with MENSA members or Rakhi Sawant, say anywhere. The songs comparatively fare much better and are woven seamlessly into the narrative. Azeeno-shaan-shahenshah is almost hypnotic and redeems the score to an extent.

That's one of the things Ashutosh gets right, the wrongs far outweigh the rights though. The political drama is half baked, the family feud is cheesy, loud (read: extreme melodrama) and the war scenes, although authentic (except that climactic one inspired by Troy) and brilliantly orchestrated, are overstretched. Ashuotsh's ability to defy the cliché and extract understated performances from his cast seems to have evaporated this time around. The romance, however, is fairly elaborate and well drawn out, and that makes this worth a watch.

Lessons learned from the movie:

- Don't let religion get in the way of getting laid.
- Chivalry wasn't dead, atleast, in the 15th century.
- If you have a Nanny named something like Maham Anga, chances of her being a super bitch are high.
- Don't buy your girl so much jewelry that you have to use a sword and a couple of cranes to lift it off her.