Krrish

Krash........

Is it a Bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Transvestite Hooker?………

As I entered the movie hall playing Krrash, my bayyee Ankh started phadking. I thought something bad was about to happen, but it was not to be, just a feeling of Déjà vu for the entire 3 hours of the running time. I have seen this before, was the thought in my head. Have I, in my sub conscience, already seen the future? Am I turning into a psychic? (For the illiterate, psychic means fortune teller; not a psycho, which you can certainly use to describe Mr. Rakesh Roshan). As I drove back home I was disturbed with the thought of my new found "super powers" of seeing the future. As soon as I came back home "they" were staring at me, all my anxiety and euphoria came crashing down with that one look. I realized I ain't no psychic, no future seeing nerd. I didn't see the future, I hadn't seen the movie in my dreams prior to its release and "they" made me realize it. They were DVDs of Batman Begins, Underworld, Matrix, Spiderman, Daredevil, Minority Report and Superman.

Just when you think there are no more ways left to do it, Bollywood comes up with more innovative ways to humiliate itself. Of course it involves a bit of "inspiration" from a certain source(s) namely DVDs of Hollywood superhero movies. (Tsk Tskk see above)

Having said that…………

Hooray for Bollywood! I haven't been embarrassed this much and laughed this hard in months. The last I had so much insanely uproarious, riotous time was when I enjoyed a movie marathon of the most unintentionally funny movies ever made in India: Girlfriend, Dil To Paagal Hain, Veer Zaara, Koi Mil Gaya and Hindustan Ki Kasam. This one surpassed all of them combined. I agree with Roshan Sr. when he says Krissh is a path breaking movie; it is the first romantic-musical-comedy-mystery-action-thriller flick. Wait…………doesn't that describe every masala movie? Damn right it does but here's the twist, it is all that and still different. Why? For the first time our hero is actually a Drag Queen Superhero. Not just any Drag Queen Superhero like Batman (Read: The cape, Robin, Duh!!!!) or Orlando Bloom but a Drag Queen Superhero with a Mullet. The mop on Hrithik's head is officially the worst hairstyle in Bollywood beating Roshan Sr.'s fabulous do or the poison ivy growing on Esha Deol's head in Dus or the dead beaver on Preity's head in Lakshya or SRK's hair in , Umnnn, lets just say SRK's hair.

As has been publicized Krassh is the sequel to Koi Cheel Gaya, so lets recap what happened in the previous one. Rohit (HR) is the retarded son of a wacky mother Sonia (Rekha) and scientist father (Taklu Roshan). Father makes a computer to contact aliens. Aliens get irritated by the noise that he sends to them, they come to earth and whack him. Retard grows up and finds a skank Nisha (Preity); they find daddy's computer and again send noise signals to space. Aliens are pissed again and send one of them aliens, Jadoo to get rid of retard and the computer. But solar-powered alien falls for the skank in mini skirt and instead cures Rohit's mental illness and gives him great physical strength. Rohit transforms into MC Hammer, beats up baddies and sends Jadoo back with the promise to never send any noise signals their way.

Now on to the sequel, Rohit and Nisha have a baby and die. Wacky grandma Sonia raises Krishna (Hrithik Roshan, Radha would have been more suitable, just imagine Hrithik instead of Gracey Singh in Radha Kaise na Jale). When grandma learns that he is super intelligent and super strong she completely freaks out as if she inhaled enough crack for the rest of her life (which I think she did) and decides to home school him for his own good. Krrish having never had any friends or never seen a woman besides crazy grandma starts cross-dressing and ultimately becomes a drag queen. Roshan Sr. uses symbolism quite a lot, you are never told directly that Krishna is actually a queen but the only way to explain the combination of Krishna's hair, muscular body, evening gowns and dancing is a flaming queen itching to get on the stage and burn the floor with her fabulosity!

Krishna has now grown up to be Krish-sheena (that's his fabulous screen/stage name) and one day he saves the life of a tourist Priya (Priyanka Chopra). After two songs queen is madly in love with Priya. Priya is a reporter from Singapore and must return. Queen follows her to Singapore and then the story takes a twist; while at a circus, there's a fire and poor Chinki kids are trapped. Queen realizes that this is his chance, he can make the flashiest, most fabulous entrance into showbiz; after all when will the ballet training come to use? He picks up a supposedly burnt mask, which happens to fit his face perfectly and a trench coat, which again happens to fit his muscular body perfectly (I guess ESHA DEOL must have been a clown at the circus; he is the only one whose muscular body matches Hrithik's), saves the kids and becomes famous.

Meanwhile Evil Dr. Arya (Naseeruddin Shah), who happens to be in Singapore, has developed a computer that can tell you the future and plans to rule the world….MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA……………Okay don't even think logically as to how a computer can predict the future. This is a fantasy, a Bollywood fantasy; heck if a gay ghost can make Rani pregnant in Paheli albeit after covering her face with a brown bag then why can't a computer predict the future.

But Krrish-sheena wont let Devil (abbreviation for Dr. Evil) steal his thunder, it's his time and nobody I mean absolutely nobody can outshine him. Plus Devil is the one who abused and "killed" his father Rohit after using him to build the supercomputer. Krrish-sheena signs a multi-million dollar deal with Singapore tourism board (plus he already has a multi-million rupee deal with Bournvita) and chases Devil all over Singapore. This is what is called Ek Teer Se Do Nishane (hitting two targets with one shot); by chasing Devil throughout Singapore he is satisfying two sponsors at the same time. After making the sponsors happy there's some dhishum-dhishum, some rona, some khona, some paana, some gale milna before good triumphs over Evil and Krrish-sheena becomes the most famous drag queen superhero with a mullet in the history of the universe. It also helps that there is no other drag queen superhero with a mullet in the universe.

As you can see the story by Robin Bhatt, Sachin Bhowmick, Honey Irani, Akash Khurana and Rakesh Roshan is one of the most idiotic pieces of rubbish ever to come out of cinema. The Krrish character is one part Superman, one part Spiderman and one part Umrao Jaan. What were they thinking? Wrong Question. What were they copying from? This is what happens when you mix DVDs of crappy Hollywood CGI flicks, South Asian kungu fu classics and loud Bollywood historicals on courtesans. Aren't they ashamed of the blatant plagiarism??

Don't tell me that it is an Indianized version with Indian values or majority of people in India haven't seen the original or atleast it's well made or its something never tried in Bollywood. Those are just excuses, without giving due credit to the original a copy is a copy and just because somebody tries something different doesn't mean it's not garbage.

Another problem is with the logic (non-existent). Not another excuse that it was made for kids, what are we teaching our kids today that's its okay to be extremely dumb and shamelessly steal from the west?

Why would Krrish have superpowers? The alien Jadoo had superpowers and he cured the retarded Rohit (unfortunately you still had to bear the other retards in the movie, Rekha and Preity, and the director sahib himself). But how does Krishna have superpowers? I don't guess Rohit's spermatozoa was super-powerful enough? Hey maybe Jadoo humped Rohit and the alien DNA mixed with Rohit's and that's how the super powers were inherited (I am using Bollywood biology here, so bear with me). Still it doesn't explain how Nisha got pregnant with Krishna since Rohit was with mad scientist Dr Arya. Was it just a splash-n-dash for a wham-bam-thank-u-ma'am? Holy Shit, I get it. It's the Second Coming of Christ. Nisha gets impregnated just like Virgin Mary got pregnant with Jesus. Other and more likely scenario is that maybe Jadoo knocked-up Nisha.

There are numerous WTF moments in the movie..........
- Rekha saying "IQ test" as if it were an autopsy when the school principal's request for Krishna's IQ test
- The IQ test itself…….is not an IQ test but a General knowledge test……wtf?
- Krishna cracking a rock by punching a volleyball onto the rock. Fuck!! that's hilarious.
- The whole Rohit in flashback thing. Jadoo had cured the retarded Rohit then why does he behave like a retard with speech impediment; you know the old mentally challenged Rohit. Didn't Jadoo cure him?
- Sharat Saxena..........saying compoooter......all the time.
- The fight with all the Ninjas on the island, especially the flying kick that Krishna delivers to one of them.......LMFAO
- The flight in Dr. Evil's lair. Krishna is fighting and kicking and hitting at lightening speed but when the henchmen, the goondas fall, it goes into slow motion........WTF is that.
- The whole bullet scene at the end ..................LOL

Ooh how can I forget the numerous product placement forced throughout the script to make a few Gazillion rupees. Bournvita, Faber Castle crayons, Tide, Hero Honda, Samsung electronics are some of the sponsors featured. Totally annoying. What is with Hrithik movies and product placement? Remember the dotcom dotcom from Yaadein???

The FX are shoddy and the fights have a Matrix meets Crouching Tiger hangover, so much for imagination and originality.

The songs like the first movie are horrible. The background score is a bit better than the previous one since Salim-Suleiman do the score this time (thank dog!!!). However the "déjà vu" feeling is still there, if you know what I mean.

The cinematography is decent; it was sponsored by the Singapore/Manali tourism board and the Hrithik Roshan foundation (chairman: The son obsessed Rakesh Roshan). On screen all you see is beautiful Singapore/Manali locations or Hrithik's sweat, Hrithik's muscles, Hrithik's eyes, Hrithik's hair and since we are on the topic of Hrithik lets discuss him a little bit

Hrithik Roshan: well I have already discussed his fantastico tresses; but with the amount of product placement I was surprised L'Oreal Hicksville (redneck subsidiary of L'Oreal Paris specializing in mullets) was not a sponsor of his mop. Roshan Sr. missed out on a few million there. Hrithik struts his stuff in the movie and by that I mean his hair, bulging biceps and a cleavage with heaven pointing Nipples. Yes you heard it right; it's not SRK, its Hrithik who is showing his nipples this time around. His super-hero costume is a cross between Selene's (Underworld) and Neo's (Matrix) trench coat while his mask is a cross between Bruce Wayne (Batman Begins) and Patience Phillips (Catwoman). Frankly I have seen drag queens with better costumes at the Gay Pride Parade. Wait Krrish is a drag queen superhero, never mind. While on the topic of costumes, what on earth were the designers thinking? the weird halter-top cum choli and dhoti-meets-spandex costume that Hrithik sports reminds you of Barbara Eden from 'I-Dream-of-Jeannie', sadly you cant fold your hands, wink and nod your head like Jeannie to put some decent clothes on him. Damn those nipples. They are watching you, they are following you. Wasn't it enough that I already endure nightmares of SRK's nipple and nose thrusting millimeters close to my face that Hrithik had to display them here? anyways along with strutting his stuff he also dances like Michael Jackson, jumps, leaps, runs, swims, beats up baddies, saves children, saves scared heroine (wow this is so imaginative, I have never seen any our hero saving a damsel in any Bollywood movie before), handles wacky grandma (special brownie points for this, if it were me I would have stuffed a couple of porcupines down her throat) and keeps his identity as a drag queen superhero hidden. Hey even for superhero it's a bad PR move to know that there is the faintest chance that you bat for the opposing team.

Priyanka's role is completely awesome and very very hatke. She has to look pretty, smile sometimes, cry and shout sometimes, dance sometimes, get rescued, and dress outrageously. how much more scope do you need to showcase you talent?

Rekha continues with the WTF Factor from the first movie, acting more stoned, spooky and paranoid with even more garish makeup.

Naseeruddin Shah, what was he doing in this one? I didn't know he was in this, I think he accepted this fluff just to see how bad this movie will turn out even with his presence. Now he knows, even he can't provide a salvage value but he sure as hell does have a lot of fun in his role. You can actually see him smiling mockingly, devilishly thinking that he is saying what he is saying.

The only way to describe this film is to say that Rakesh Roshan had Diarrhea and the result of it is on screen.

People who find this movie awesome are either 7 year olds (mentally) or a teenage girl drooling at the thought of Hrithik's muscles (totally understandable)

RATING: IT'S SO BAD THAT IT'S GOOD……. IT'S AWESOME (well mentally I am a 7-year old after all)

Now I am off to India with my newly purchased Lawn mower to give Hrithik a decent haircut….