Insulting reviews of idiotic bollywood movies

Girlfriend

2008-07-19T06:26:00.000-07:00

There are movies, then there are bollywood movies, then there are crappy bollywood movies, then there are shitty, crappy, filthy, insanely stupid bollywood movies and finally there are movies like Girlfriend.

This movie was supposed to be the first film on Lesbian relationship from Bollywood. Fire showed Nandita Das and Shabana Azmi in love making scenes but they were not Lesbians, they were straight women who were extremely unhappy with their husbands and had sex a few times but they weren't gay….

The trailers started flooding in and within seconds you could tell this was a skin flick but still I wanted to see the movie to see the women as Lesbian characters and the hot scenes were an added bonus……..:)

Plus Amrita Arora looked smoking hot.

Anyways I watched this movie and by the end of the movie I had fallen from my sofa, my stomach was hurting, so were my ears and I had pulled a muscle in my leg. I was laughing my butt off. This movie was hilarious, quite unintentionally, it was a laugh riot.

So the story, yeah I have to call it a story, goes like this. Psycho Tanya (Isha) and Drunk Ho Sapna (Amrita) are best "buddies" since college. Now after college they live in Mauritius (which is supposed to be Mumbai) in a beach bungalow. Psycho works for some jewelry company or something while Drunk Ho sits on her arse, doesn't do anything but pout and snigger idiotically. These are independent successful women; by that the director means that they wear the shortest and skimpiest of clothes, drink booze like there's no tomorrow and party at cheap night clubs.

So they are like partying at a club and stuff and Drunk Ho is naked and stuff (well almost). There a horny dude attacks her, corners her and starts groping her. Psycho comes to the rescue and beats the crap out of the guy, which is what that loser deserved, establishing her tough image.
Now you are in a night club and some loser attacks your female friend, you will bash him up, get the bouncer to throw him out and actually call the cops to get the creep arrested. Well his intentions were to rape her; it's not like he is going to grope her, pick her up, take her to a dark alley and ask her to tie a "Rakhi". But that's just my thinking, what do our heroines do? They get on the bar and do an item number……….hahahhahahaha……….

From then on the goings on get even more dreadful and hilarious.

Psycho is also kung-fu, karate expert. She earns extra cash by street fighting and taking her frustration out on poor guys. The matrix style action sequences (hahaha) make for insanely, side-splittingly funny scenes in the movie. Psycho would kick Lara Croft any day.

One day Psycho leaves town for a couple of weeks and our poor little Drunk Ho is all alone n sad n stuff. You know nobody is there to grope her at night (more on that later). So in comes her gay friend (Bobby Darling, yes that's his actually its name. I mean really this dude/dudette is an insult to the audience) and introduces Drunk Ho to loser (Ashish Choudhary, this dude is an insult to the word actor) who tries to impress her by saying that he is gay and is its boyfriend.

Note: to all the guys trying to impress chicks, sober or drunk, never ever say that you are gay. Ok some girls may like man on man action but 90% of them don't like the remotest possibility of their boyfriend featuring in that action. As for the remaining 10 % of chicks, keep away from them.

Loser tells the truth later and after one song of manaana and ruthna they fall in love. Yawn……….Psycho is back from her "business" trip and realizes about Drunk Ho and Loser. She makes creepy faces, which is supposed to mean that she is really very jealous. How does she deal with it? They (all 3) go on a vacation to Mauritius. Wait weren't they in Mauritius already. Never mind.

There loser gets very horny and wants to pleasure himself through his voyeuristic tendencies. The peeping tom peeps into Psycho and Ho's bedroom and to his surprise Psycho is all over Ho and groping and touching her and stuff. He has his share of fun at night but the next day he confronts Ho about it and accuses her of being a dyke. She comes up with the best line of the movie

"Main Jab Soti hoon to Main Behosh hoti hoon.Koi kuch kare pata hi nahin chalta" (When I am asleep I am unconscious. I don't realize what's being done to me)…………….hahahahahahahahha…..Oh My Dog….even the thought makes me roll on the floor…….
Ho says that she only slept with psycho once in college on a very drunken night when they were experimenting and stuff.

After the vacation, Ho and loser break up, Psycho becomes permanently constipated and she is morphed into a Psycho Biatch, Drunk Ho becomes a Drunken Crack Ho and loser, well he remains a loser……

Everyone gets jealous, make creepy face, get drunk, ham endlessly and frown. The cycle repeats itself over and over again with the intensity of bad acting increased by a notch every time till the director realizes that he needs to end the movie once and for all.

So comes the ending in which Pyscho Biatch goes to loser's house and as usual beats the shit out of him not before saying the second best line in the movie.

She looks at Loser and tilts her head and says "Yes I am a lesbian………"…….damn right biatch you are a lesbian. What did we think the movie was all about, that you have to tell us right at the end!! We had guessed it the moment you went all catholic priesty and started molesting Drunk Ho.

Ho saves loser from being killed by Psycho Schizophrenic Biatch and Biatch falls down the high rise building and is killed for the happy straight couple to live together ever after.

Isha Koppikar looks like a man. I think Ashish "Loser" Chowdhary should have played the lesbian Psycho character; he is more effeminate than Isha. Isha Koppikar would even give ESHA DEOL an inferiority complex "Bhala iske dole mere dolon se bade kaise?" Isha also by this movie has become a champion at bad acting. She is simply preposterous in this movie.

Amrita Arora looks stunning, a stunning hooker. She designed her own clothes for the movie. For that she just went to a local store and bought 10 barbies dolls, stripped them of their clothes, cut them clothes into pieces so that she had 2 sets of every costume for the movie. She is also a comic genius, her comic timing is impeccable and I am being serious here. Just watch the movie. When she is not mouthing funny one liners she is grinning like a cow and other times her expression or rather facial contortion is like she saw a pig eating human feces.

Ashish Chowdhary is not worth discussing. Fudge him.

Coming to the main issue raised, well not raised but destroyed. This movie not only stereotyped lesbians but was actually damaging to the community. Psycho is a lesbian coz she was molested as a kid by some man. So she hates men and has a perverted attraction to females; ultimately becomes psychotic and is condemned to death.

Ho is a lesbian when she is totally stoned/Zonked/smashed and when she is asleep or in her own words, behosh (unconscious). She actually vows to give up alcohol to de-homosexualize herself. For her DUI (Driving under the Influence) is not crime, SUI (Sleeping under the Influence) is a crime. If she slept with high alcohol content in her body she might actually turn lesbian.

And what's with the love scenes? The love scenes just showed Ho and Psycho rubbing each other all over, basically a BUMP and GRIND sequence in bed.

Technically the production values were shoddy. Music sucked big time. So did the editing and cinematography.

Karan Razdan should make 10 movies like this every year. I need my laughter medicine.

Being Cyrus

2008-07-19T06:24:00.001-07:00

Being Stoned!!!

Who you let your scriptwriter be can ruin your movie………..
And the fact that the director Homi Adjania co-wrote the script, he has nobody else to blame but himself…

Satirical, Intense, Subtle, Over-the-top, Loud, Realistic, Noiristic, Hilarious, Abstract are words that come to mind when describing this movie. You cannot associate all the words to a single film without it being exquisitely bad or a masterpiece. Unfortunately this movie falls into the previous category. At the end of viewing this muddled mess all you can do is wonder 'what it could have been.

The story goes like this: Cyrus (Saif) lands up at the door step of a Crack head has-been famous sculptor Dinshaw Sethna (Naseer) and his HORNY wife Katy (Dimple) claiming that he is a big Pankha (fan) of the artist and is there in reference to the ad for apprenticeship posted by Crack head in some newspaper. Cyrus takes up the job and much more at the Sethna household, and by much more I mean Katy's t**s. Katy is a desperate attention seeking whore who seduces Cyrus with her charms, and by charms I mean her t**s; while her crack head husband is totally oblivious of what's "cooking" in his house. He remains stoned (I m not joking when I say Crack head) most of the time daydreaming of what his glorious past was like…

Not only Katy is BEING SERVICED by Cyrus, she is using him to push her own agenda. Crack head has an arse bro Farooq (Boman Irani) in Mumbai with timid wives (Simone) who take "care" of their (Naseer and Boman's) aging father Fardonji (Honey Chaya). Fardonji owns a building (yes a building) in Mumbai which virtually makes him a snake guarding a precious treasure. once you kill the snake/ or he dies the treasure is all yours, but arse farooq and his wife are a thorn; the solution is to get rid of them and Katy employees Cyrus as the pawn for the "kill" but what she does not is that the pawn is actually the king in this game of chess with a certain queen to help him, which is supposed to be the big twist followed by another "kind of" twist right in the final few moments. All it draws is a yawn and that too a long one.

The story is nothing new, a stranger joins a dysfunctional family and uses them to his own advantages; so what you expect is a character driven movie. It starts off well giving us peeks into the life of the Sethnas and Cyrus, but it is only a glimpse. The character development initially takes a leap but prematurely plateaus and ultimately falls on the face. Cyrus being the main protagonist and this being his story, you need to know more about the person he is, not necessarily through his background, which we are again just given a glimpse of, but through his interaction, body language, probably his dreams or something symbolic. All you get is sudden changes in behavior and actions; from a victim to a mastermind to a conniving cold blooded killer to being played around by the queen (of the chess game), his sister and to being naïve about it. There are hints of a troubled childhood leading to psychological issues but not enough to actually substantiate it. As a viewer you don't know whether to sympathize, empathize, be shocked or hate Cyrus or even a combination of few or all of them, making you disinterested since there's no reaction. Just a "whatever" or "blah"…….

The film crosses too many genres and pays tribute to too many film-makers and that's where everything goes wrong. Initially it seems like a satire, a dark comedy then it becomes quite dramatic then onto classic fantasy noir, complete with David Lynch inspired dream sequences and creepy background score, and ultimately a thriller with a not-so-twisted ending. The director tries to pack in too much while trying to be too subtle. Alas it doesn't really work .and like Katy you are left high and dry (pun intended!!!!) while being deceived that you are satisfied.
The performances are top notch, especially Boman Irani and Simone Singh. Simone Simone, Huh!!!! makes you wonder what this talented gorgeous actress is doing when stupid bimbettes like Celina, Ayesha Takia, Amisha, Esha and Rakhi Sawant are frolicking around naked thrusting their bosoms in the name of acting.

Saif, Naseer are excellent. Manoj Pahwa as Lovely, the cop is hilarious. Dimple loses the plot completely in the end; extremely loud and over-the-top, otherwise though she rocks as the promiscuous scheming femme fatale.

The background music is good but sometimes you just wish you could shoot Salim-Suleiman. The cinematography is excellent; the costumes, sets, location are authentic. The dialogues are true to life and sometimes hilarious.

The direction is very good actually but it's the script that is too abstract (not in a good way) and too loose that differentiates this movie from "what it could have been" and a classic. All the correct ingredients are there but the proportion is wrong. Imagine a hot fudge brownie with beef slices and too much sea salt and by sea salt I mean dimple's t**s.

Of course pseudo-intellectuals and "hatke" aficionados who haven't seen David Lynch, Chan-Wook Park, Wong Kar Wai, Pedro Almodovar, Ingmar Bergman, Frederico Fellini, Satyajit Ray or Sudhir Mishra will call this really different and awesome.
It sure is a super first attempt but its no masterpiece…………….

It is definitely worth a dekho for the fine performances and Dimple's Amassive Patel inspired bosom heaving and Asthma attack at the end. Thankfully though Dimple's t** shaking and freaking out scenes are independent unlike Miss Patel's.

Fanaa

2008-07-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

Phataa……

Destroyed in commercialization……

Casting Coup, two words that describe the new hit formula for YRF. First it was AB and his Baby in Bunty Aur Babli, then Preity's throat and Saif's tongue (as in tongue down the throat) in Sell Ham| No Masti, UFOs (Unidentified Fugly Objects) Uday and Tanisha in Nympho and Nangi, Hrithik and ASH in upcoming Dhoom 2 and now Aamir and Kajol in Fanaa.

This one is directed by Kunal Kohli who had previously unleashed the Monstrosity called Mujhpe Shit Karoge (loosely inspired by Uma Thurman starrer 'the truth about cats and dogs') and the unabashed scene-to-scene rip-off of 'When Harry Met Sally'- Hum Tum. Well Hum Tum didn't have the famous "Big O" scene and it is understandable; I mean anybody would have difficulty, even a good actor like Saif, to fake an Orgasm with Rani Mukherji in front of you *just imagine Rani's fabulous love handles in Nach Baliye from Bunty aur Bubli*. Moving on. So from which movie did he get "inspired" this time? It was rumored that Fanaa is a Dil Se meets Noorie. I call it stupidity meets lack of imagination. It is neither as intense, dark as Dil Se nor light camp fun as Noorie. It is typical Chopra/ Johar candy floss kitsch with the chutzpah to steal from not one, not two but three movies and an international best seller.

Well you already know about Dil Se and Noorie, the third one and the major one I am referring to is Ken Follet's World War II spy-thriller "Eye of the Needle" with a movie of the same name, except that this one has Kajol in a wet sari heaving profoundly while Aamir is groping her from behind to a loud number by Jatin-Lalit.

We meet Zooni (Kajol), a Kashmiri girl, who lives with her doting parents (Rishi kapoor and Kirron Kher). Two points here: First Diabetes patients should keep insulin injections with them while watching the initial reels since the parents are super saturated saccharine caricatures and might increase your blood sugar. Second, Zooni is blind. why? Kajol refused to wax or tweeze her Unibrow. Solution: make her blind so that she doesn't realize that there's a wild growth on her face, although she does know how to put the lip gloss on her lips and eye shadow on her eyes instead of the nose. The abbu-ammi jaan want their daughter in her late thirties to be independent (as they say it's never too late!!!!) and want her to find her Shehzada, her prince, her knight in shining armor who will rescue this damsel in distress with a Unibrow.

If I had a shot of Tequila for every time somebody said Shehzada in the movie, I would have died of liver cirrhosis before the movie reached its interval point.

So they send her to Delhi with some hot mama cita friends to perform at the republic day parade. There she meets flirtatious tourist guide cum Romeo cum terrorist Rehan (Aamir). He reads her some sher-o-shayri, makes her hot friend jealous, cracks some jokes on her blindness, takes her for some "sight seeing" in Delhi, well of course sings her songs and comes up with amazing superlatives for her beauty. She falls for him. He tries to resist but cannot help it. They decide to get married after seeking permission from her parents and getting a retinal transplant for Zooni. As Zooni is getting her sight back, Rehan is getting himself killed in a bomb blast by the Attank waadis (from the word Attank I remember a movie called Attank Hi Attank, which I would prefer to forget and so would Mr. Aamir Khan)

So far so good. What follows next, however, is not only extremely idiotic but absolute proof of the completely gray-cell lacking Bush-sized brain of the writer and director running out of ideas and lack of films left to copy from. The supposedly shocking twist evokes guffaws.

Rehan is an IKF (Independent Kashmir Front or something?) terrorist. He is not dead and wants to steal a "trigger" from Indian Military base in Kashmir, so that IKF can threaten India and Pakistan with a Nuclear weapon.

After some Dhishum-Dhishum, Wham-Bam, 5000 bullets, 1 exploded helicopter and 3000 dead Indian soldiers later, Rehan gets the trigger but he is injured and there's a really bad snow storm. He takes refuge in a lovely little cottage that happens to be where no-longer-blind-but-still-has-unibrow Zooni lives with her drunken father and her kid Rehan Jr. She doesn't recognize Rehan and nurses him back to good health. Finally the truth is revealed and the predictable ending comes with a sigh of relief.

Rehan Jr. is actually Rehan's son; yeah Rehan knocked-up Zooni on their first and only night together. It is quite baffling that in this day and age (read AIDS and STDs) they don't think of protection on their humping expedition. As in typical Bollywood films the lady gets pregnant the first time itself. That is some really powerful terrorist sperm.

There are numerous plot holes and the lack of research shows completely. The whole nuclear trigger mambo jumbo is laughable; I mean you expect the nuclear trigger to be well protected and kept in some kind of safe carrier plus the Indian Military must follow some protocol when protecting and transporting such highly confidential and valuable secret stuff with adequate back up. None here

When IKF chief and Rehan speak on the radio they don't use code words; which dumb military or "freedom fighting" organization would actually give a description of their mission on the radio when you know anybody could be spying on you?

Rehan is super human. He can kill hundreds of Indian soldiers, woo girls with ease, infiltrate the military base, sing songs all over Delhi, and undertake risqué missions alone while leaving no pictures or people who have seen him being able to provide a description. Ridiculous.

Tabu plays an agent of the Indian Intelligence "Agency": RAW. Wait did I say Agency, no there is no agency in India like that. RAW is a wing, a Research and Analysis Wing that monitors external intelligence of India. The thing is nobody knows how RAW works as an organization and it reports directly and only to the PM's Office, I don't believe RAW would just let any of their agents loose in search of a terrorist without fearing exposure. Tabu is a profiler who tells about the imminent nuclear attack, how does she know that IKF has nuclear weapons but don't have a trigger? Well if she has an agent/ mole infiltrating IKF wouldn't he/she know about Rehan? Also Tabu keeps referring to the terrorist (Rehan) as "Woh", as in a one person…………WTF????…………what makes her think that it is just one person and not 2 guys or 3 guys or a whole organization? What the hell is Pakistan and Pakistan's Inter Services Intelligence doing? Ain't the IKF thinking of nuking Pakistan too?

What Rehan does for 7-8 years is unknown, after his supposed death he comes to steal the trigger and lands up at Zooni's place only to find he has a 6-7 year old son which basically establishes the time frame. What was our RAW agent doing during that time? RAW/police/military have no knowledge about Rehan and his activities during all these years. BTW Zooni doesn't recognize his voice when he lands up at her doorstep. That was not a statement it was a question. How can she not remember his voice or body odor?

The helicopter blasting scenes and Rishi Kapoor falling down the cliff are absolutely ROTFLMFAO moments……….rib tickling comedy this…….

The funniest scene however is when Kajol, after her retina transplant, opens her eyes and within 2 seconds starts shouting "Ammi mein dekh sakti hoon??" (Mom, I can see) Oh My Dog! hahahahahaha………….hilarious………don't your eyes take time to adjust to light? Don't the doctors make you do numerous sessions and tests to ensure proper eyesight? Heck some people go through psychiatric sessions to deal with regained eyesight but our lady of steel, Unibrow woman, immediately jumps for joy. What follows after that is even more outrageous and embarrassing; I couldn't believe I was seeing this. The police force her to identify Rehan's dead body………hahahahahahahahaha……..no the doctor cannot recognize him but the lady who just regained her eyesight can……..wow…

Technically barring the embarrassing FX, the movie is quite polished. The cinematography, sets, costumes, background score, sound, locales are astounding….

The music by Jatin Lalit is decent with Chand Sifarish as the best song.

The supporting characters are mediocre to bad except Tabu who does her best in a truly badly written role and looks very pretty.

Comparisons with Dil Se are inevitable. Dil Se was not a commercial success and had its share of flaws but it is definitely a superior product than Fanaa. Manisha's role here is parallel to Aamir's and SRK's role is parallel to Kajol's.

Aamir gives a good performance. His mannerisms and expressive eyes overshadow the extremely poor characterization. He shows shades of gray but is not menacing or despicable enough (like Saif in Ek Hasina Thi) or utterly confused yet manipulative (like Manisha in Dil Se or Madhuri in Pukar). We are as confused as him on whether and what he is doing is justified or not? And the dilemma is not a moral one.

Kajol, even with the Unibrow, looks gorgeous. This is a much understated performance from her and her arrogance doesn't come across as in her other movies or interviews. She is a strong woman even tough she is handicapped yet comes across as vulnerable. Certainly her best performance. Compared to Dil Se's SRK though, she fades a little bit, it probably was SRK's best performance till Swades; he was completely, madly and blindly in love with Meghna (Manisha) ignoring all the signs and the warnings about her background. It came across believably in Dil Se, not quite in Fanaa.

The chemistry between Aamir and Kajol is natural but cant match the one between SRK-Manisha.

Kunal Kohli, the only thing I hope is that Taran Adarsh doesn't take up direction because of Kunal's commercial success. I do have a compliment for him; the movie has some of the most poetic dialogue in recent times.

Krrish

2008-07-12T06:05:00.000-07:00

Krash........

Is it a Bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Transvestite Hooker?………

As I entered the movie hall playing Krrash, my bayyee Ankh started phadking. I thought something bad was about to happen, but it was not to be, just a feeling of Déjà vu for the entire 3 hours of the running time. I have seen this before, was the thought in my head. Have I, in my sub conscience, already seen the future? Am I turning into a psychic? (For the illiterate, psychic means fortune teller; not a psycho, which you can certainly use to describe Mr. Rakesh Roshan). As I drove back home I was disturbed with the thought of my new found "super powers" of seeing the future. As soon as I came back home "they" were staring at me, all my anxiety and euphoria came crashing down with that one look. I realized I ain't no psychic, no future seeing nerd. I didn't see the future, I hadn't seen the movie in my dreams prior to its release and "they" made me realize it. They were DVDs of Batman Begins, Underworld, Matrix, Spiderman, Daredevil, Minority Report and Superman.

Just when you think there are no more ways left to do it, Bollywood comes up with more innovative ways to humiliate itself. Of course it involves a bit of "inspiration" from a certain source(s) namely DVDs of Hollywood superhero movies. (Tsk Tskk see above)

Having said that…………

Hooray for Bollywood! I haven't been embarrassed this much and laughed this hard in months. The last I had so much insanely uproarious, riotous time was when I enjoyed a movie marathon of the most unintentionally funny movies ever made in India: Girlfriend, Dil To Paagal Hain, Veer Zaara, Koi Mil Gaya and Hindustan Ki Kasam. This one surpassed all of them combined. I agree with Roshan Sr. when he says Krissh is a path breaking movie; it is the first romantic-musical-comedy-mystery-action-thriller flick. Wait…………doesn't that describe every masala movie? Damn right it does but here's the twist, it is all that and still different. Why? For the first time our hero is actually a Drag Queen Superhero. Not just any Drag Queen Superhero like Batman (Read: The cape, Robin, Duh!!!!) or Orlando Bloom but a Drag Queen Superhero with a Mullet. The mop on Hrithik's head is officially the worst hairstyle in Bollywood beating Roshan Sr.'s fabulous do or the poison ivy growing on Esha Deol's head in Dus or the dead beaver on Preity's head in Lakshya or SRK's hair in , Umnnn, lets just say SRK's hair.

As has been publicized Krassh is the sequel to Koi Cheel Gaya, so lets recap what happened in the previous one. Rohit (HR) is the retarded son of a wacky mother Sonia (Rekha) and scientist father (Taklu Roshan). Father makes a computer to contact aliens. Aliens get irritated by the noise that he sends to them, they come to earth and whack him. Retard grows up and finds a skank Nisha (Preity); they find daddy's computer and again send noise signals to space. Aliens are pissed again and send one of them aliens, Jadoo to get rid of retard and the computer. But solar-powered alien falls for the skank in mini skirt and instead cures Rohit's mental illness and gives him great physical strength. Rohit transforms into MC Hammer, beats up baddies and sends Jadoo back with the promise to never send any noise signals their way.

Now on to the sequel, Rohit and Nisha have a baby and die. Wacky grandma Sonia raises Krishna (Hrithik Roshan, Radha would have been more suitable, just imagine Hrithik instead of Gracey Singh in Radha Kaise na Jale). When grandma learns that he is super intelligent and super strong she completely freaks out as if she inhaled enough crack for the rest of her life (which I think she did) and decides to home school him for his own good. Krrish having never had any friends or never seen a woman besides crazy grandma starts cross-dressing and ultimately becomes a drag queen. Roshan Sr. uses symbolism quite a lot, you are never told directly that Krishna is actually a queen but the only way to explain the combination of Krishna's hair, muscular body, evening gowns and dancing is a flaming queen itching to get on the stage and burn the floor with her fabulosity!

Krishna has now grown up to be Krish-sheena (that's his fabulous screen/stage name) and one day he saves the life of a tourist Priya (Priyanka Chopra). After two songs queen is madly in love with Priya. Priya is a reporter from Singapore and must return. Queen follows her to Singapore and then the story takes a twist; while at a circus, there's a fire and poor Chinki kids are trapped. Queen realizes that this is his chance, he can make the flashiest, most fabulous entrance into showbiz; after all when will the ballet training come to use? He picks up a supposedly burnt mask, which happens to fit his face perfectly and a trench coat, which again happens to fit his muscular body perfectly (I guess ESHA DEOL must have been a clown at the circus; he is the only one whose muscular body matches Hrithik's), saves the kids and becomes famous.

Meanwhile Evil Dr. Arya (Naseeruddin Shah), who happens to be in Singapore, has developed a computer that can tell you the future and plans to rule the world….MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA……………Okay don't even think logically as to how a computer can predict the future. This is a fantasy, a Bollywood fantasy; heck if a gay ghost can make Rani pregnant in Paheli albeit after covering her face with a brown bag then why can't a computer predict the future.

But Krrish-sheena wont let Devil (abbreviation for Dr. Evil) steal his thunder, it's his time and nobody I mean absolutely nobody can outshine him. Plus Devil is the one who abused and "killed" his father Rohit after using him to build the supercomputer. Krrish-sheena signs a multi-million dollar deal with Singapore tourism board (plus he already has a multi-million rupee deal with Bournvita) and chases Devil all over Singapore. This is what is called Ek Teer Se Do Nishane (hitting two targets with one shot); by chasing Devil throughout Singapore he is satisfying two sponsors at the same time. After making the sponsors happy there's some dhishum-dhishum, some rona, some khona, some paana, some gale milna before good triumphs over Evil and Krrish-sheena becomes the most famous drag queen superhero with a mullet in the history of the universe. It also helps that there is no other drag queen superhero with a mullet in the universe.

As you can see the story by Robin Bhatt, Sachin Bhowmick, Honey Irani, Akash Khurana and Rakesh Roshan is one of the most idiotic pieces of rubbish ever to come out of cinema. The Krrish character is one part Superman, one part Spiderman and one part Umrao Jaan. What were they thinking? Wrong Question. What were they copying from? This is what happens when you mix DVDs of crappy Hollywood CGI flicks, South Asian kungu fu classics and loud Bollywood historicals on courtesans. Aren't they ashamed of the blatant plagiarism??

Don't tell me that it is an Indianized version with Indian values or majority of people in India haven't seen the original or atleast it's well made or its something never tried in Bollywood. Those are just excuses, without giving due credit to the original a copy is a copy and just because somebody tries something different doesn't mean it's not garbage.

Another problem is with the logic (non-existent). Not another excuse that it was made for kids, what are we teaching our kids today that's its okay to be extremely dumb and shamelessly steal from the west?

Why would Krrish have superpowers? The alien Jadoo had superpowers and he cured the retarded Rohit (unfortunately you still had to bear the other retards in the movie, Rekha and Preity, and the director sahib himself). But how does Krishna have superpowers? I don't guess Rohit's spermatozoa was super-powerful enough? Hey maybe Jadoo humped Rohit and the alien DNA mixed with Rohit's and that's how the super powers were inherited (I am using Bollywood biology here, so bear with me). Still it doesn't explain how Nisha got pregnant with Krishna since Rohit was with mad scientist Dr Arya. Was it just a splash-n-dash for a wham-bam-thank-u-ma'am? Holy Shit, I get it. It's the Second Coming of Christ. Nisha gets impregnated just like Virgin Mary got pregnant with Jesus. Other and more likely scenario is that maybe Jadoo knocked-up Nisha.

There are numerous WTF moments in the movie..........
- Rekha saying "IQ test" as if it were an autopsy when the school principal's request for Krishna's IQ test
- The IQ test itself…….is not an IQ test but a General knowledge test……wtf?
- Krishna cracking a rock by punching a volleyball onto the rock. Fuck!! that's hilarious.
- The whole Rohit in flashback thing. Jadoo had cured the retarded Rohit then why does he behave like a retard with speech impediment; you know the old mentally challenged Rohit. Didn't Jadoo cure him?
- Sharat Saxena..........saying compoooter......all the time.
- The fight with all the Ninjas on the island, especially the flying kick that Krishna delivers to one of them.......LMFAO
- The flight in Dr. Evil's lair. Krishna is fighting and kicking and hitting at lightening speed but when the henchmen, the goondas fall, it goes into slow motion........WTF is that.
- The whole bullet scene at the end ..................LOL

Ooh how can I forget the numerous product placement forced throughout the script to make a few Gazillion rupees. Bournvita, Faber Castle crayons, Tide, Hero Honda, Samsung electronics are some of the sponsors featured. Totally annoying. What is with Hrithik movies and product placement? Remember the dotcom dotcom from Yaadein???

The FX are shoddy and the fights have a Matrix meets Crouching Tiger hangover, so much for imagination and originality.

The songs like the first movie are horrible. The background score is a bit better than the previous one since Salim-Suleiman do the score this time (thank dog!!!). However the "déjà vu" feeling is still there, if you know what I mean.

The cinematography is decent; it was sponsored by the Singapore/Manali tourism board and the Hrithik Roshan foundation (chairman: The son obsessed Rakesh Roshan). On screen all you see is beautiful Singapore/Manali locations or Hrithik's sweat, Hrithik's muscles, Hrithik's eyes, Hrithik's hair and since we are on the topic of Hrithik lets discuss him a little bit

Hrithik Roshan: well I have already discussed his fantastico tresses; but with the amount of product placement I was surprised L'Oreal Hicksville (redneck subsidiary of L'Oreal Paris specializing in mullets) was not a sponsor of his mop. Roshan Sr. missed out on a few million there. Hrithik struts his stuff in the movie and by that I mean his hair, bulging biceps and a cleavage with heaven pointing Nipples. Yes you heard it right; it's not SRK, its Hrithik who is showing his nipples this time around. His super-hero costume is a cross between Selene's (Underworld) and Neo's (Matrix) trench coat while his mask is a cross between Bruce Wayne (Batman Begins) and Patience Phillips (Catwoman). Frankly I have seen drag queens with better costumes at the Gay Pride Parade. Wait Krrish is a drag queen superhero, never mind. While on the topic of costumes, what on earth were the designers thinking? the weird halter-top cum choli and dhoti-meets-spandex costume that Hrithik sports reminds you of Barbara Eden from 'I-Dream-of-Jeannie', sadly you cant fold your hands, wink and nod your head like Jeannie to put some decent clothes on him. Damn those nipples. They are watching you, they are following you. Wasn't it enough that I already endure nightmares of SRK's nipple and nose thrusting millimeters close to my face that Hrithik had to display them here? anyways along with strutting his stuff he also dances like Michael Jackson, jumps, leaps, runs, swims, beats up baddies, saves children, saves scared heroine (wow this is so imaginative, I have never seen any our hero saving a damsel in any Bollywood movie before), handles wacky grandma (special brownie points for this, if it were me I would have stuffed a couple of porcupines down her throat) and keeps his identity as a drag queen superhero hidden. Hey even for superhero it's a bad PR move to know that there is the faintest chance that you bat for the opposing team.

Priyanka's role is completely awesome and very very hatke. She has to look pretty, smile sometimes, cry and shout sometimes, dance sometimes, get rescued, and dress outrageously. how much more scope do you need to showcase you talent?

Rekha continues with the WTF Factor from the first movie, acting more stoned, spooky and paranoid with even more garish makeup.

Naseeruddin Shah, what was he doing in this one? I didn't know he was in this, I think he accepted this fluff just to see how bad this movie will turn out even with his presence. Now he knows, even he can't provide a salvage value but he sure as hell does have a lot of fun in his role. You can actually see him smiling mockingly, devilishly thinking that he is saying what he is saying.

The only way to describe this film is to say that Rakesh Roshan had Diarrhea and the result of it is on screen.

People who find this movie awesome are either 7 year olds (mentally) or a teenage girl drooling at the thought of Hrithik's muscles (totally understandable)

RATING: IT'S SO BAD THAT IT'S GOOD……. IT'S AWESOME (well mentally I am a 7-year old after all)

Now I am off to India with my newly purchased Lawn mower to give Hrithik a decent haircut….

Rendezvous with Simi Garewal

2008-07-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

SIMI: Welcome to a SPECIAL EPISODE of Rendezvous.....the most hard hitting questions will be asked to India's most famous actors..........

Special guests tonight......SRK, Shahrukh's Nipples, Tranny in Tank Top Zayeed, Aishwarya Rai, Vivek "Orangutan" Obey Rai, Sandaas Khan, ESHA DEOL, Hema Malini, Feroz Khan, Mallika Boobrawat, Karan Johar and Hrithik Roshan.

Simi: Shahrukh, people accuse that you are homosexual, what do you have to say about that?

SRK:......eeeeeeeeeeehehhehee.................Simi............MurHAbba.......that is absolutely wrong. I am try sexual, i try anything that is sexual. Right now I m trying KAran Johar and Zayeed.

Simi: So Shahrukh's Nipples, you have great emotional range and intensity, especially in the scenes that you have to cry. So what is the secret?

Nipples: Well all the director has to do is remind me of the magical nights i.e. every night when Karan Bites me and Zayeed licks me.

Simi: That is so touching ........Shahrukh's Nipples

Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Who's touching Shahrukh's nipples??? Who??

Simi: Ok Sandaas, a tulip and an oil field has been named after you ex girlfriend. what would you like to be named after you???

Sandaas: *in fake American accent* I would like the dirtiest filthiest toilet in the world to be named after me and the world championship of synchronized farting

Simi: Vivek, what would you like to be named after you like your girlfriend??

Vivek "Orangutan" Obey Rai: I wud like Orangutans to be named Vivekengutans after me and a Zoo............btw Salman farted 41 times on me today

Simi: ASH what do you think of Sandaas's farting?

ASH: It's FAB HOT

Simi: Do you approve of his farting in public??

ASH: I would azzummee its a reflection of our society. Of course people fart, of course people have a unhealthy shitting life. This is the land of Salman Khan but you don't see people around the street corner poohing or being extremely overtly demonstrative publicly..........they do it near the rail track

Simi: Are you willing to fart in your movies?

ASH: I will cross the bridge when I reach it.

Simi: Feroz what do you think about your son??

Feroz: Murhaabbba.............kya khubsoorat naujawan hain???..........ji karta hain isse choom lu............*goes and smooches fardeen*

Simi: Hema, how did you let your son ESHA cross dress in Dhoom. He was wearing so skimpy and small clothes???

Hema: Uuuuhhhhh......mainnnn......aaaaah .......apne bete ESHA ............uuuuhhhhhhhh....aur apni beti Bobby................se bahut ............aaaaaah pyaar karti hooon..............aur .................uummmmnnn.......unhe jo achha lage................karne deti hoon..............aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...

ESHA DEOL: *fart face expression on his face* Huh???

Simi: Mallika, so when are you going to show your boobs in movies???

Mallika: What?? they are not showing already???ooooh I forgot to take the top off ...................wait..........* takes her top off*

Simi: Oooh the resemblance of the twins is uncanny.

Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Top?? Tranny?? Who called me???

Simi: Hrithik, people say that your muscles are as good as ESHA DEOL. what do you have to say??

Hrithik: Daddy.....*looks for Rakesh*

ESHA DEOL: *fart face expression on his face* Huh???

Simi: your films are successful only if they are made by your dad and Suzzanne looks like an Albino. What do ya have to say??

Hrithik: Daddy.....*looks for Rakesh*

Simi: Karan, you have been linked to Shahrukh, Tranny in tank top, Zayeed and Shahrukh's Nipples..........do you love them??kya tumhe unse pyaar hain??

Karan Johar: Yeh Jism pyaar nahin jaanta, jaanta hain to bas Bhukh......jism ki bhukh......

Simi: Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed, what pick up line did Karan Johar use on you???

Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Karan said......"Hey baby ....you got any diseases??.....Want some?"

tune in soon for next weeks hard-hitting episode.........

Jodha Akbar

2008-07-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

JO DUH!!!! AK-BLAH.............

What is with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and crappy scripts? They seem to go hand in hand; Umrao Jaan, Kyun Ho gaya na, Mistress of Spices, Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke, Provoked, do you get the point or should I list more? Normally any product this lady touches turns into gold, I ain't talking about the 400 million cubic feet of gold ore hanging of her ears in this movie, I am talking about the products she endorses. However she touches a movie, it invariably turns into dietary fiber and the result is huge, smoking hot, stinky pooh-pooh platter. El-delicioso!!

To be fair, Jodhaa Akbar ain't as bad……..wait, is it Jodha or Jodhaa or Joddha?.......for all we know she could have been named Disco Shanthi or Hip Hop Luxmi…. ………anyways when you have a director of Ashutosh Gowariker's caliber you set the bar high (hello he made SRK resemble a human and less a retarded alien from the planet Uranus). And speaking of bars, a couple of martinis might help you get through the movie. It is long, very long, very very long; unlike Lagaan it fails to keep you hooked for the running time.

Jalaluddin Akbar becomes emperor of the Mughal Empire, after his father's death, at the age of 13; he dreams of uniting various kingdoms across India under United Colors of Hindustan. He grows up to be a handsome emperor (Hrithik) and proposes the Rajputanas to surrender to his rule or face dire consequences (imposing burkha on all their ladies). The King of Amer (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) presses to form a political alliance with Akbar on the condition that he will marry his daughter Hip Hop Luxmi (Ash) and make her Mallika-E-Hindustan. Akbar asks for time to muse over the proposal. If Akbar was thinking what I was thinking, that time is justified.

Akbar: 'If Hip Hop Luxmi faintly resembles Mr. Butt face here, it's back to good old masturbation for the rest of my life'.

But as fate (and box office value) would have it, Hip Hop Luxmi is outright (one of) the most gorgeous princesses you can find (by waving your money).

Hip Hop Luxmi ain't no piece of meat though. She shall remain a Hindu, would have a shrine for her Krishan-ji in the Mughal palace and will not be Akbar's booty call no matter how horny he gets. No Touching, Period. Akbar is bemused at this woman's audacity and strength (Read: The part on Women's right in Sharia Law, if you find the part let me know). So Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar get hitched. Akbar now has two dreams: United Colors of Hindustan and Operation Get Laid code name Win Joddha's heart. Amidst amateur political intrigues, foolhardy conspiracies, bad character actor's horrifying attempts at acting, love blossoms between Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar. They overcome communal barriers and the jewelry between them to finally love and respect each other. They literally have to get into a swordfight for removing the jewelry Hip Hop Luxmi is wearing, to consummate their marriage. The swordfight comes after a significantly deep and philosophical self-argument Akbar has.

He finally concludes: "F**k Religion. I need to screw Jodhaa."

Hrithik is terrible as Akbar. Yes he is very good looking and in great shape, many people say he is so good looking that he looks almost regal/royal. I am not sure about the royal looking part, has anyone looked at the "royally good looking" Old hag aka Queen of England or her equally "royally good looking" twit/son Prince Charles? Incredible looks don't translate to acting ability though; ask Aishwarya Rai or Angelina Jolie. What he does have is sincerity and decent screen presence; it's not enough for this character. Besides strong screen presence Akbar's character needed someone to exude vulnerability, tenderness and ruthless political ambition simultaneously. Hrithik is too peachy to be ruthless. And then there is his voice. Allegedly, it is a well known fact that, amongst female actresses in India, when Naukrani Mukherji (allegedly female) speaks she farts through her mouth too. An acoustic study can explain how the high frequency and amplitude of Naukrani's fart combined with attempts to speak makes her sound exceptionally dreadful. Hrithik is the male equivalent (not as ghastly as Naukrani though) from Bollywood. His voice doesn't have the command or the necessary modulation. (Watch Pankaj Kapur in Maqbool to see how voice modulation can go a long way in establishing a strong and authentic characterization.) Hrithik does well in the romantic situations with Ash, his persona and voice is just perfect for mushy romance, but as a king his dialog delivery seems affected and his voice pitch fluctuates decidedly. Applause for him trying so hard though.

Aishwarya is quite alright as Jodhaa/ Hip Hop Luxmi actually. Her performance is restrained and resourceful; minimum dialog, appropriate facial expressions and perfect body language. Grace and poise personified, even with the weight of gold jewelry (enough to cause a Tsunami if dropped into the middle of Indian Ocean from a decent height). There is so much gold jewelry in the movie that when Ash wore it, she had her own gravitational field. Guess why Akbar was so "physically attracted" towards Joddha!! Hell that explains why SRK would not look at any other females except Ash in Devdas (and we know how much he likes the "ladies"). And here I thought Sanjay Leela Bhansali didn't know shit about Physics, he has used the principle of gravity in two movies: Devdas and now Joddha Akbar. Wait, Ashutosh directed this movie; all that jewelry screwed me up.

Supporting characters vary from good to appalling…….Sonu Sood is a younger, handsomer version of the Big B in terms of looks and a competent actor. Ila Arun is devilishly scrumptious as Super Bitch Maham Anga, Work it Girl. Niketan Dheer as Sharifuddin is menacing, he commanded more screen time.

The others ham it up "royally". Kulbhushan Kharbanda as Jodhaa's father gets on your nerves, Raza Murad is hopelessly bad and the bald dude who plays young Akbar's lieutenant Bairam Khan or whatever is louder by several decibels than the role demands. The pick of the lot is Poonam Sinha, wife of actor Shatrughan Sinha, who came out of retirement to play Akbar's birth mother. There was a reason she quit movies, she wouldn't get movie roles because she was ostensibly a horrendous actress. She should have stayed retired. Her dialog delivery is so exquisitely poor that the robotic voice on JP Morgan Chase's automated phone banking service seems human. Some really poor casting choices here.

Joddha Akbar is a spectacular movie to look at. The visual appeal is beyond description. The set design by Nitin Desai, cinematography by Kiran Deohans, costumes by Neeta Lula are as grand as they can get without ever being distracting. The Jewelry is a whole different matter (read earlier part of the review).

The music score (background) is shockingly bad; an amateur musician wouldn't botch up the score this bad. A. R. Rahman needs to stop scoring for movies that he composes songs for. He has screwed up too many times: Provoked, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Lord of the Rings: The Musical etc. None of them have been as much of a let down as JA. The background music has no flow, at a given moment it is deafening loud and the next moment it is mellow. Listen to the score of the recent movie The Fountain by Darren Aronofsky, the music takes the movie to a higher level of greatness; here it sticks out sour like Paris Hilton participating in a group discussion with MENSA members or Rakhi Sawant, say anywhere. The songs comparatively fare much better and are woven seamlessly into the narrative. Azeeno-shaan-shahenshah is almost hypnotic and redeems the score to an extent.

That's one of the things Ashutosh gets right, the wrongs far outweigh the rights though. The political drama is half baked, the family feud is cheesy, loud (read: extreme melodrama) and the war scenes, although authentic (except that climactic one inspired by Troy) and brilliantly orchestrated, are overstretched. Ashuotsh's ability to defy the cliché and extract understated performances from his cast seems to have evaporated this time around. The romance, however, is fairly elaborate and well drawn out, and that makes this worth a watch.

Lessons learned from the movie:

- Don't let religion get in the way of getting laid.
- Chivalry wasn't dead, atleast, in the 15th century.
- If you have a Nanny named something like Maham Anga, chances of her being a super bitch are high.
- Don't buy your girl so much jewelry that you have to use a sword and a couple of cranes to lift it off her.

Veer Zaara

2007-11-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

Veer Zaara

After watching this movie, I began contemplating, why do people hate each other? Why do they hurt others emotionally and physically? Why do they discriminate? Why do they commit hate crimes? Why they become self-destructive?

Then I realized why. Some people make turdfests like Veer Zaara. I was tearing my hair off while watching the movie and wanted to hit out at someone or something really bad.

It was promoted as a love legend (more on that later) and a big blockbuster. So what's the requirement to make a Yash Chopra Blockbuster?

SRK. Amritsar cornfields. 300,000 songs. 300 1/2 hour running time. Rani or Preity. Rani and Preity together in hideous clothes even better. 300 tons of makeup and 400 tons of gold jewelry (wait that's a Sanjay Leela Bhansali blockbuster requirement). A wise and supportive hero's father and a stubborn ass heroine's father. A stubborner meaner badder fiancé of our poor gal. Our heroine is always traditional and believes in family values. And a love story (which wont be a story if people used a little bit of logic)

The story is simple. Raj (SRK) a rescue pilot saves Simran (Preity) from drowning in a 3-foot swimming pool (how I wish for a change the heroine saved the hero's life like saving him from being raped by Karan or something) and he promises to get her across the border. Hold on did I say Raj and Simran, well it's Veer-Zaara (Raj Simran Veer-Zaara same old shit). The first half is same as DDLJ anyways. So ok they like travel and stuff and he stops by in his village to meet his "mom and dad" or whatever (AB and Hema). They sing 100 songs and Preity miraculously changes AB's mind about not letting gals study. Oh the convincing power of this feisty gal (actually the convincing power of her booty)

After their short 200-day stay he drops her in Pakistan. At the train station as they walk way from each they realize they are in love after meeting for like 100 minutes. Deja' vu anyone? Why do our boy n gal realize they are in love at the train station after separation? When SRK realizes that she is engaged he decides to "sacrifice" his love. No, no he is not afraid of the fact that he is an Indian in Pakistan or the fact that there are huge guys who can beat his shit to pulp. It's a sacrifice. But bad guy (SRK's hamming partner Manoj Bajpai) has a conspiracy in mind and gets him jailed. To keep Zaara's honor he keeps quiet and goes to jail for 22 years. Even bigger "sacrifice" its so big it is a LEGEND.

Now leaving Zaara because she is engaged to someone else I understand, but why rot in a prison for 22 years that too in Pakistan where the inmates know you are an Indian and the probability of being fucked by anal probes ranging from hands, fists, penises, green chilies, steel pipes and plates and other devices like vacuum cleaners is 100%?

Hold on, SRK imprisoned for 22 yrs in an all male prison that too in Pakistan. Yeah baby. This is one Karan Johar fantasy come true.

Then after 22 years an overzealous HR liar (Rani) decides to save prisoner # 786 because she is a feminist who wants equal rights for women. What's the connection? Ask Mr. Yash Chopra. She blabbers and Bullshits in court and comes the fairy tale ending. Even the Pakistani judge could not stomach Rani's voice for more than 5 seconds and decides to emancipate SRK as long as it stops the squealing motor mouth; it was like he read my mind.

But wait not before people start singing in the courtroom. WTF?? The judge is like "Oh I am le bored" looking at SRK judge says, "You… pretty boy start singing"

Its good that Karan Johar didn't direct this movie, otherwise it would have been an item number with male strippers in thongs, dancing to convey SRK's love for Preity.
SRK hasn't spoken to anyone in 22 years but just because Rani the HR Liar calls him by his name he pours his heart out. Duh! Dude come on tell the truth. You have been in prison for 22 years. You are HORNY, VERY VERY HORNY and Rani is humpable with the aid of a few drinks, a strap on, dim lights and brown bags. Don't BS.

Acting wise all of the actors SRK, AB, Preity, Rani, Hema, especially Manoj laugh, cry, make weird faces (because of constipation may be) and ham like there's no tomorrow. Oh and why is SRK wearing designer clothes of 2005 in that period?

There were some funny parts too. Actually only one when I think about it, SRK says to Preity something like "Maine tum se Khoobsurat ladki nahin dekhi......." hahaha I fell of the chair. SRK is like so blind in most of his movies.

How I wish our Rescue Pilot was traveling in a helicopter before he met Zaara and HIS HELICOPTER HAD AN EJECTOR SEAT AND HE ACCIDENTLY PRESSED THE EJECT SEAT BUTTON he would have died after getting caught in the helicopter blades and we would have been saved of this ATROCITY called Veer Zaara.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham.........

2007-11-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

Koi Tranny Kissi ka Bum

I was excited about seeing this movie. Hold on, hold on, hear me out. AB and Jaya together especially after movies like Abhiman (I still think this is AB's and Jaya's best performance with one of the best soundtracks) and Mili. The music was becoming very popular and Bebo was looking hot in the promos. But then the reports from my friends started coming out and I swore I wouldn't watch it but my friend dragged me to see the movie and I was so pissed after watching the movie that I stopped talking to her.

But then one of my reporter friends said, "It is a groundbreaking, path breaking, shockingly devastating movie." I said to him "and my dear friend you have been smoking too much weed". He clarified he wasn't talking about the theatrical version of K3g; he was talking about the original uncensored one which he had the pleasure to see in a pre-screening. It increased by curiosity and I wanted to see the original.

So my reporter friend and I decided to steal the original print from Karan Johar's apartment. We broke in and to our surprise it was highly guarded just like a prison with iron bars and handcuffs and stuff. We were shocked but it was all fake, we realized that we were in Karan's bedroom and it all made sense..................

We looked around everywhere but we couldn't find the print. Finally we found a "closet" that said " MY SHAHRUKH FANTASIES" and there it was, actually there they were, all 3000 prints of the movie. It wasn't Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham; it was Koi TRANNY Kisika BUM...........(translation: Some Tranny and somebody's bum).

We watched the movie and we ended up crying the whole night. We were touched to the core of our shallow hearts.

The Original story goes like this: Mr. Raichand (AB, without his STOOL SOFTENING medicine during the shoot) and Mrs. Raichand (Jaya, on too much Prozac) adopt a very poor orphan. His parents left him or died or whatever and left him nothing but 3 Billion dollars only. So AB "selflessly" adopts this poor little child as they think they cannot have kids. He grows up to be Rahul (SRK, he smoked weed instead of cigarettes, actually Karan replaced them so that he coud do the "hard" scenes, more on that later). However in a moment of heat AB and Jaya hump like rabbits and she ends up being preggers. They have a baby whom they name Rotten Laddoo.

SRK studies, grows up and comes back home in a helicopter. You should see his walk when he returns; it's very dashing just like a model. Naomi Campbell to be exact. Jaya has made his favorite Gajar ka Halwa to welcome him and all. When mama sees her adopted kid she sings and starts crying (she had a couple of SRK's "cigarettes" too).

Anyhew next SRK goes to Chandni Chowk since he hasn't been laid ever since he's been back in India. He's checking out chicks and suddenly he sees a beautiful shadow around the corner. He chases the shadow and sees someone in a beautiful Red Sari. He cannot see her face and is intrigued, he chases the one in red sari and grabs the hand of the person. The lady turns around and we see an ethereal, jaw droppingly gorgeous Angelo (Karan Johar, never looked so beautiful with his beard, neck hair and all that fat around his waist) who says " ha there stranger, What can I do you for? ". The sexy voice just turns on Rahul and he falls for Angelo (btw Karan's parents are very poor and can afford only Italian designer wear and that's why they name him Angelo). SRK just grabs him and smooches him in the market, a 5 minute long hot smooch. I actually started sweating.

Ok hold on, my AC just died.........don't get ideas in your head

Back to where we were. After enjoying the smooch, Angelo slaps Rahul and says he isn't that easy, he has values and doesn't smooch anybody until he sleeps with the person. So they check into a motel and make love. Then comes the first hot song of the movie "Suraj hua Maddham" with a wet SRK and KARAN in a bikini right next to a swimming pool near the Pyramids. Don't ask me how? This is Bollywood. Karan looks even hotter in the yellow Sari and the maroon Lehnga choli. The weed for SRK for the "hard" (no pun intended) scenes now makes sense doesn't it??

On the other hand AB wants Rahul to marry Naina (Rani Mukherji, thank god her role wasn't bigger than 5 minutes) but SRK says he is madly in love with Angelo and would only marry him. AB can never accept that his son is gay and he will marry a dude that too a flaming flamboyant queen like Angelo. SRK and AB fight and SRK leaves home along with Angelo and goes to London.

In the mean time Laddoo has grown into a handsome muscular young man (ESHA DEOL, with Biceps to die for). When he realizes what had happened to rahul he decides to go to London. In London he meets Poo-Poo (Bebo, she has been dreaming of being the Ham queen of bollywood so that she can do more movies with SRK, the ham king). Laddoo is so enamored by her masculinity and his brother's bravado that he decides to have a sex-change operation to turn into a woman and be a Lesbo so that manly Poo will accept him/her but the operation goes horribly wrong and laddoo turns into a TRANNY ( Zayeed) instead. Poo loves him/her to death and accepts Laddoo like he/she is. Aww.......cho chweet of her. My first tears started rolling.

They (Zayeed and Bebo) decide to unite the family and like, hatch a plan. They get Rahul and Angelo to the mall to buy PRADA glasses for Angelo and ask AB and Jaya to meet them (Zayeed and Bebo) at the same place. When they all see each other they get a bit emotional and when AB realizes that his own son Laddoo has become a Tranny he forgives everything and everyone and they all get together and accept each other.

My floodgates opened once more, I couldn't stop crying when AB helps Angelo select the PRADA glasses, buys him a COACH purse, a Louis Vitton bag and a pair of Minolo Blahniks. *Sobs*. It still gets me emotional. Pardon me.

See how path breaking this movie was, but the censors didn't think that the movie was appropriate for families.

Karan didn't want the movie to go in the cans with him investing big bucks and all. He decided to rope in Kajol to play Anjali instead of Angelo and Hrithik instead of ESHA. Kajol said "I aint working in the movie I don't do arty stuff" but ultimately she accepted a deal that gave Karan rights to do something using CGI to make Karan look like her.

So Karan hired a Special effects dude from Australia who digitally removed the chest, neck and beard hair, some from his head and put it between his eyebrows and reduced his boobs a little. Karan looked like Kajol.

To convince Hrithik, Karan promised him that he wouldn't leave Hrithik dirty voicemails or email his nude pictures anymore. He would do that to Rakesh Roshan.

So this is how Koi TRANNY Kisika BUM became Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham.

All the magic, beauty and social message of the original was lost in the modified version.

Dhoom 2

2007-11-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

Naked Chicks, Flying Kicks, and Crossing the bridge…Doomed 2: Half-baked into action

The original Dhoom was a sensation; it made stars out of John Abraham & Abhishek. Every Rames-Nares-Sures dreamed of driving a Sujuki Ninjha and craved for muscles like Esha Deol. Every Champa –Chameli looked at Rimi Sen and thought, " I want those buns hun". Every Hijra on the traffic signal gyrated his/her/it's (I am trying to be politically correct here) hiney to 'Dhoom Machale'. Dhoom was an action comedy sprinkled with generous doses of bare male (Esha & John) and female (Rimi) anatomy and rocking music. No body wanted to do anything related to Uday Chopra though.

So when you have such a huge moneymaking, trend-setting corny cheese-fest why not continue it? Make it bigger, better and cheesier…

Memo from Aditya Chopra

To Sanjay Gadhvi,

Subject - Recipe for Dhoom 2 success

Ingredients:
2 eggs and 2 teaspoons of baking soda
1 cup of Mozzarella cheese
1 cup of Pepper jack cheese
3 tablespoons of finely grated cheddar cheese
4 teaspoons of Swiss cheese
3 naked chicks
1 scruffy unshaved cool cop
1 uber cool muscular thief
300 techno-gadgets
4 bikes
2 helicopters

Directions:
Mix all the ingredients as quickly as possible and bake only till there appears to be a crust or the cheese melts (read: half baked). Do not bother with trivial issues like character development, screenplay, and plot. Garnish with 6 songs and clothes designed for Midgets.

Result: Blockbuster

When you have all that why do you need a story? Dhoom 2 is not a movie; it is an extended movie trailer with 6 extended music videos, few advertisements, and few infomercials.

Hmnnn I do not want to misuse the word STORY, but here is how it goes…

The extended trailer opens with a train zooming across a Namibian desert; a 400-year-old frosty English bitch aka Queen is on the train with her precious little Crown (her English accent is so Old-world Victorian that she has to be 400 years old, seriously which British citizen speaks like that?) Enter Mr. Goldilocks (Hrithik) from sky. He lands on the train, does his make-up to disguise as frosty queen, steals the crown from under the security guards' nose and escapes with relative ease. That has to be the funniest opening scene ever: dodging bullets with a sand board, sand boarding behind the train as if he is taking a stroll in the park while trying to avoid being shot at, flying kicks on top of a high speed train, unidentified henchmen falling of the train like a pack of cards and modeling for L'Oreal F'eria haircolor with his hair flowing tenderly in the wind all at the same time without a bruise or a scratch. Thief or superman this one? Whoever thought of training security guards across the world to fire bullets below or on the kneecaps must be an idiot because they never seem to do it, especially in desi movies… or you know maybe simply stopping the freaking train??

So Goldilocks escapes with the crown. He is a thrill seeking thief who likes to steal the most priceless of artifacts around the world and pout while giving a side profile of his cheekbones for the camera, mind you at the same time. Next target is Mumbai.

Meanwhile ACP slash Gillette Sensor Excel Razor model slash Coca Cola spokesperson (the calories do show their effect on his belly) Jai Dixit (Abhi Jr.) and Sub inspector slash FAT (Fugly Alien Takla) Acceptance Society Spokesperson Ali (Uday) are nabbing drug dealers…AB Jr. and Uday's entry scenes confirm that this is a rib-tickling comedy. Uday jumps onto a boat on his bike in super slo-mo and Abhi jumps out of the river in a jet ski in ultra super slo-mo to save Ali's life (the important question is why? Why save him?) and Yes OUT OF THE WATER ON A JET SKI.………hahahahahahahahaha…Ouch my stomach still hurts…

Life saved, drug dealers nabbed, on to next assignment: Goldilocks

That means another entry scene. ACP slash Wonderbra model slash Dr. 90210 spokesperson (read: plastic surgery, breast implants) slash Goldilocks expert (or the lack of, more on that later) Shonali Bose (Boob-pasha) in a shooting range firing bullets in slo-mo on a dummy as if the dummy was Amisha Patel, followed by a slo-mo catwalk with hair flowing like a gentle breeze on a sunny beach. Ayyee spot boy chal maidam ki taraf Pankha ghooma . Bipasha looks smoking hot, gosh I need the spot boy to fan some air on me too. Back to the topic, which police officer reports to the Police commissioner in a low-rise skinny jeans, kinky boots and a white tank top so tight that it may cause whiplash?? (ok I am speculating about who the dude bipasha reported to was, but seriously does anyone even care when that cleavage is staring at you!!!! )

Wonderbra is an expert on Goldilocks. She is also a sharp shooter. Connection: None. Anyways there's a meeting between cool cop, wonderbra, FAT cop and some filmi extras regarding Goldilocks. How dumb is this? If cool cop Abhi figures out the pattern of Goldilocks' robberies and his next target, then what kind of expert is Wonderbra? Probably another example of women using their sexuality at work place to get ahead. Where are the feminists when you need them? Go attack Aditya Chopra's office and burn down some theaters for degradable portrayal of women. It's been too long, like 2 months, since there's been a controversy.

Plus why are they having a meeting in the first place if cool cop figures out during the meeting that Goldilocks' next attempt is in India? Also what about the Interpol, her Majesty's secret service?

Phew too much logic to be expected. Moving on, Goldilocks steals a diamond in Mumbai. Just when you think that you have suspended your disbelief to the max, the director and screenwriter throws in a punch that makes you feel "Is this for real?" by now I was sliding off the theater chair as I was laughing so hard. Hrithik as the clay or limestone or whatever material statue with the remote control…..Umnnn pretty acceptable but the rover that crawls along the floor and none of the guards see or hear it…plain outrageous. It was a freaking rectangular box the size of 2 feet by 1 feet by 4 inches, plus the noise, I mean come on. The chase that ensues after it is even more dreadfully humorous. Gosh Wonderbra is the sharp shooter, why are cool cop (on board a helicopter no less!!!) and FAT cop trying to aim at Goldilocks. Alas they miss and Goldilocks escapes again without a scratch and his hair flowing while pouting in a side profile. On a side note maybe I need to get the conditioner Hrithik is using.

Goldilocks now throws an open challenge to cool cop and FAT cop. Precious sword in Junnahgardh, but a petty thief beats him to it. A Copycat doesn't impress Goldilocks and he goes after the petty thief.

Another entry scene in slo-mo……..Petty thief slash HOT mama slash LA tan ambassadress Sunehri (ASH) strips of her clothes (why she strips is anybody's guess, but I certainly don't mind it a bit, I say bring it on) Goldilocks feels the heat and so does the audience. The temperature reaches boiling point and Sunehri offers partnership with Goldilocks; who eventually accepts the offer. Duh!! we know his blood aint flowing up north to the nervous system. Sunehri is like a mole for like cool cop to like nab Goldilocks in like the act of like stealing like some stuff. (once you have 'like' seen the movie, you will 'like' understand what I am 'like' talking about)

Off to Rio for the next robbery…..cool cop and FAT cop follow …….Another slo-mo entry/modeling session …….this time it is Shonali Bose's identical twin slash Victoria's Secret model slash this-is-what-happens-if-you-don't-Learn-to-speak-Good-English-in-a-country-where-everyone-speaks-only-Portugese* spokesperson Monali Bose (Bipasha, with smaller clothes, lesser weight and bigger boobs)….Monali frolics around in her lingerie for the rest of the movie and FAT cop wags his tail behind her.

* (Note: this-is-what-happens-if-you-don't-Learn-to-speak-Good-English-in-a-country-where-everyone-speaks-only-Portugese …….implies you have to roam around naked displaying your assets to get anything done since you speak English and the rest of the country speaks Portuguese….)

Sunehri and Goldilocks cook, bungee jump and fall in love. Sunehri plans to betray Goldilocks but then has a change of heart and CROSSES THE BRIDGE…..yup miss primp and propah smooches Goldilocks……'like' for real ……..while watching the movie it seemed a little weird but on second viewing (YouTube Zindabad!!!) it seems much more passionate…..so after the chumma they realize that they were actually supposed to rob something, but how can there NOT be a full-on all-star dance number where Abhi decides to embarrass himself and the audience with his "dancing" skills!!!!

What follows is sure to be ranked as one of the top 5 most idiotic climaxes of Bollywood history giving stiff competition to Don for the number 1 spot.

Every Law of Physics, Chemistry and Biology (more specifically Human physiology and anatomy) is broken with utmost precision and care. Newton, Darwin and Einstein must be turning in their graves. Richard Dawkins and Stephen Hawking must be contemplating suicide.

The cinematography, sound design, costumes, sets, song picturization are all top notch….the editing is sloppy and the super slo-mo aka the bullet-speed effect are just too much to tolerate...action by Allan Amin in one word is horrible (read: Thermodynamics, Acoustics, Electromagnetism and Gravitation)……….there are numerous gems in the action department…….lets countdown my favorite 2

No. 2……….Hrithik in an aging janitor get up falling into the sewer line through the manhole cover and blasting off from the other side of the road in biker clothes complete with leather jacket and sunglasses and still managing to pose for L'Oreal…..laugh my a** off……(you must have probably seen this shot in the trailer)

No. 1……..hahahahahahahahahahahaa………I can never ever do justice to this scene in a description but let me try…….the climax…..Hrithik and Abhi fighting, punching each other……suddenly Hrithik decides to jump off a cliff…..and he does…..but he has a safety parachute which he opens…..apparently he plans for unforeseen circumstances…..anyhew……Abhishek does the same but he aint got no parachute…..so what does he do…..he times his jump on to Hrithik perfectly and grabs him (Was this scene directed by Karan Johar? Coz it was pretty homoerotic what with all the grabbing and cuddling)……whilst in air they call it truce, no fighting each other…….at least until they land, once they land they start fighting again……all of a sudden Hrithik slips and almost falls down another cliff….he somehow manages to hang on to the rocks………the camera zooms around 180 degrees to behind Abhishek who is standing close to the edge watching down on Hrithik ……….and all of a sudden Hrithik is airborne, L'Oreal hair in place throwing a flying kick on to Abhishek………ROTFLMFAO……

Story and screenplay: as I said before it is a patch work of scenes and music videos. The plot has so many holes that Colin Farrell will get horny and perpetually aroused (for the Colin Farrell ignorant read: Colin Farrell screws anything with a hole)

The screenplay is half baked, a few startling examples….
- What happens to Shonali Bose and Rimi Sen's character is unknown?
- Abhishek can arrest Hrithik only during the act of robbery? What kind of logic is that? Oh so you can arrest a murderer only when he/she is killing another person and not based on the evidence of a previous murder? Weird!!!
- How can Ash and Abhishek not recognize Hrithik even after seeing him up close and chatting with him for a considerable time just because he is wearing a bandana and a moustache is beyond comprehension?
- How can a police officer just let an internationally wanted criminal get away with all the robberies just coz he has stopped committing them and has fallen in love? And his excuse 'oh officially you are dead'. What about a freaking dead body that was never found if Hrithik is alive?

Music is weak, except Crazy Kiya Re……Dhoom Again has brilliant orchestration especially the percussion arrangements are fab hot but the English lyrics are a strict no no…..Choreography by Shiamak Davar and Vaibhavi Merchant is Powda Powda, as me and my friends call it, which means imitating South Indian movie dance steps of Severe Pelvic Thrusting

Direction is decent in the light and non-action scenes but the over the top action scenes just test your patience..

Abhishek takes a back seat, he underplays his character but overgrows his beard and tummy. He is efficient as the wisecracking cool cop. Like Hrithik pouts throughout the movie, Abhishek frowns due to constipation.

Coming to the 3 naked chicks:

Uday Chopra is the hottest of the three. Uday even goes topless and has never looked so scrumptious in a bikini. Also gives a tolerable performance.

Bipasha squeezes them silicones, roams naked and mouths some nonsense that is supposed to be English.

Hrithik is the uber cool thief. He looks the best he has looked till date. He acts well but he is in no way menacing or villainous. He is just on the wrong side of law. There's nothing negative about him, he is infact very likable. That sums up what is wrong with this movie. If he is the villain of this piece why is projected as the hero, remember its not a story of Aryan the thief but the story of bumbling idiot Ali and the smart cop Jai Dixit and them outwitting smart thieves, but they take an absolute back seat.

Aishwarya looks smashing hot and drop dead dazzling in the first half. She is a bit annoying in this half because her character is supposed to be over the top and she succeeds. She looks a little weird in the second half but her act improves considerably later. Her makeup in the second half is just plain creepy. Who did her make up? Is it the Mickey Contractor dude who makes Rani Mukherji look like a Transvestite? Wait. Rani Mukherji, transvestite. Nevermind. Back to Ash, what kind of lines were given to her? I wanna kick the writer where it hurts and I guess Ash wants to do it too. Still she carries off the role with elegance and an overstated sexuality. But no more weight loss. Get the 20 lbs that were gained for Bride and prejudice back and just tone the body at that weight and I can guarantee no one will be as sexy as Ash.

The Hrithik-Ash chemistry is for lack of better word: different, hatke as they say, it should be unlawful to have two such outrageously beautiful people so comfortable with each other and having that much fun…… forget John-Bipasha, Brad-Angelina, Mallika's Melons, Bush-Condi and lesbians Jude Law-Sienna Miller……. Hrithik-Ash is the hottest couple ever.

All in all a cheesy corny insanely dumb movie, it is so bad that it is good……….. Crazy Kiya re and the heart stopping bungee jumping scene are worth the price of admission itself plus the eye candy and illogical fun…….

watch it a couple of times for the cheesy fun but beware to carry along some Hajmola/ laxative (the amount of cheese that's shoved down your throat may cause constipation) and a couple of times for the smoking hot sexilicious bodies ……don't forget to carry lotion…….eye lotion (what did you think you pervert…??)

Rating: Dollar Vasool

Salaam-e-Ishq

2007-11-03T07:20:00.000-07:00

Salaam-e-Poop /Salaam-e-Shit/ Salaam-e-Sucks/ Salaam-e-dud/ Salaam-e-Get it over bitch!!!

A Tribute *cough*rip-off *cough* to………. Love Actually

Faced with the daunting task of choosing (don't ask!!) between watching the horrendous Mel Gibson comedy Apocalypto and watching Nikhil Advani's (director of third degree torture Kal Ho Na Ho) latest farcical melodrama Salaam-e-Ishq, I decided to let fate take its course. So I flipped a coin. Simple application of Theory of probability tells me that I had a 50 % chance to avoid at least one of the two cringe inducing transgressions but as my bad luck would have it, the coin decided to pull a Larissa Latynina (world's most successful female Olympic gymnast) on me. It stood on its edge: it meant only one thing…I had to endure both. (don't ask!!)

I went in prepped up for:
- some OTT melodrama (Read: Bollywood multi-starrers with love themes)
- No script (Read: Bollywood multi-starrers with So-called "Superstar" Khans)
- Ugly talent less freaks posing as actors (Read: Bollywood multi-starrers with Rani Mukherji and Shah Rukh Khan) and
- 6-7 bad Hinglish songs

But what I was not prepared for was 23 freaking reels……..like a typical helpless Hindi phillum heroine of the 80's, while Shakti Kapur attempted to rape her, I shouted "Nahinnnnnnnnn!!!!!……..Bachao!!!!!!!!……..mujhe Bhagwaan ke liye chod do……tumhare ghar (production house) mein koi editor nahin hain kya?"

This is Mr. Advani's second movie after KHNH…and originality was definitely not on his agenda this time around too….KHNH was a tribute *cough*rip-off *cough* to Hrishikesh Mukherji's Anand……….Salaam-e-Shit is a tribute to *cough*rip-off *cough* Richard Curtis' Love Actually, the Japanese classic Shall We Dance and the awful Adam Sandler movie Fifty First Dates. May be more movies but right now I cant think of any with all the Aspirin in my system for the headache (Watch Salaam-e-Shit, I will sponsor the Aspirin)

6 couples…….6 stories …………..one common problem: Stupidity

Well actually correction 5 couples and a Ménage à trois (Umnn..uhh….yeah bayby!!)

Couple number 1: John (Young and naked, so what's new) is a Hindu dude married to a Muslim Chhori Vidya (Young and Boring, with a wardrobe imported specially from Taliban). Chhori gets into an accident and suffers Amnesia, dude tries to bring back her memory but Chhori aint impressed, doesn't help when your supposed husband behaves like a coffee table (Read: "The Model's Guide to a Successful Acting Career Volume 1: Taking off your clothes")

Couple number 2: Taxi driver Govinda (Old and fat) dreams of marrying a phoren maal. Phoren maal Shannon (young and mildly interesting) dreams of marrying erratic desi boyfriend. She needs a ride to his place. Taxi driver can't speak Angrezi and phoren maal can't speak. Period. She is too terrified of the deeriver's huge manboobs to say anything.

Driver: Maidam kidhar jaaneka hain??

Phoren Maal: sorry I don't understand hindi

Driver: Oh aapko chandni chowk jaana hain, chalo

Phoren Maal: Keep away from me; I don't like the way your boobs stare at me….

Driver: aapka saaman to kafi halka hain

Phoren Maal: Help! Help! This neck-less man is stealing my luggage….

Confusion galore!! Cliché fun. Amusing couple this one

Couple Number 3: Akshaye (Old and Bald) is about to get married to buxom Ayesha "look at my gynormous TaTas" Takia (young and pimped out) but has second thoughts. Commitment phobic man with marriage blues!! Didn't we see the same story with the same couple in a similar disaster called "Shaadi Se Pehle" or the clever and enjoyable "Pyaar Ke Side Effects"?? Not the same story again!!!

Couple Number 4: Priyanka (Young and Extremely Loud) is a mucho mucho classier version of Rakhi Sawant and Nighar Khan combined. She is an item girl looking for an image change. Next stop: Karan Johar and Sati Savitri roles. So from Strip-at-the-drop-of-a hat to Sob-at-the-drop-of-a hat it is for our Chamiya. For the image makeover she pretends to be Salman's (Old and Annoying) girlfriend. Why his girlfriend, who is he and how will it change her image? Million Dollar question!! Answer: _____________(Hint: Fill in the blank)

Couple Number 5: Sohail (Old and Creepy), who just got married to Isha (Young-ish and Masculine), is very very horny. Agenda: Incessant humping!! But our virginal hicks face numerous obstacles on their road to Sexville (Hint: looking in the mirror before sex can be really off- putting)

Number 6 Ménage à trois: Anil (Old and lecherous) is married to a loving Juhi (Gorgeous and natural), has cute kids and lives in London. Problem: middle age crisis a.k.a his loins. He falls for hot mama cita Salsa instructor Anjana (young and drool worthy), borrows Salman's gaudy wardrobe including the crotch-crushing pants and has an affair with hot Nachaniya.

The stories run parallel and finally merge at the end. The merging is as seamless as a gallon of water mixing with a 3-ton sedimentary rock!!

Acting wise every one shows facets of hamming that haven't been seen before except a couple of seasoned veterans:

Priyanka: First: the pink lipstick has to go……it causes irritable bowel syndrome to viewers. Second: Loud = Funny, not true, go back to school and learn acting.

Ayesha Takia: First, needs a breast reduction surgery. She probably thinks its hot but onscreen, in a cinema hall, them breasts seem like two bulldozers coming to crush my existence.

Akshaye: * scratches head* what was that?

Anil: Please retire

Vidya: Seriously what's with the clothes? I mean covering up and being modest is classy but those shapeless silk rags??

John aka pine wood coffee table: Wooden as usual. And the shirt off thing is as fashionable as Govinda's yellow pants

Anjana Sukhani: hot hot hot……and decent. Hope to see more of her in the future….and by more I mean her in smaller skimpier clothes ;)

Isha Koppikar and Sohail Khan: they really need to get laid in real life too

Govinda: all the flab aside, it was fun to watch Govinda back in form. Nice comeback

Juhi: Stunning. The woman looks gorgeous (in a natural sort of way, not like the super thin lipo-sucked botox injected waifs) and performs brilliantly.

Shannon: cute, likable and warm. Shannon seems to have a bright future ahead.

Salman: how is this man (I am not sure about this; wearing those crotch crushing pants must have, by now, done some irreparable damage) still called an actor? He can't act if his life depended on it. After being in the industry for what like 20 years he still cant deliver a line properly. The way he butchered the beautiful piece of poetry "salaam-e-oshq meri jaan" induced puke and catcalls from theater going public. Even our phoren maal Shannon's spoken Hindi is better than him. And the fake American accented Rauuuuoooooooolll is equivalent to mouth farting.

Shankar Ehsaan Loy's music consists of recycled tunes of their previous hits. Cinematography is decent. Editing: I, and when I say 'I', I mean 90% of the audience would like to shove a cactus tree up the editor where the sun don't shine!!!

Make up and costumes were extremely gaudy. The street hooker look for Ayesha "look at my gynormous TaTas" Takia sums it up. Story …correction stories are stolen, enough said.

Coming to direction, I suggest Nikhil Advani should sign as many films as he can coz his future as a director: Kal Ho Na Ho

And seriously what was the fuss about Karan Johar? Clearly Mr. Advani is smitten with KJo. I say just go ahead and propose to him, get married and move to Netherlands (their marriage would be legal there). Atleast us audience will be spared of your liquid potty in the form of movies.

Now I wanna see a movie called Salaam-e-Sluts with Rakhi Sawant, Negar Khan, Mona Chopra, Payal Rohatgi, Celina Jaitley and Bobby Darling.

Do yourself a favor and catch Black Friday or Parzania

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna Review (KANK)

2007-11-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

Memoirs of a GayShah......... (Rukh Khan)
aka SKANK

I re-realized the importance of Einstein and Theory of Relativity today* (*see details below). Plus I have decided to write my own Theory of Torture, and the first chapter in my theory would include showing Karan Johar movies to unsuspecting stupid enemies.The morons will be shown Karan Johar movies (directed or produced) in the following order
(1.) Kaal
(2.) Kal Ho Na Ho
(3.) Koi Tranny Kissi Ka Bum
(4.) Khujli Khujli Hoti Hain and finally
(5.) SKANK + Nach Baliye Video from Bunty aur Bubli……..

depending upon what level of torture you want to inflict on your opponent……..(1.) being the least amount and (5.) the Ultimate Torture . The order is determined based on the amount of screen time Rani Suckerji has in the movie. BTW number (5.) on the menu also comes with a choice between, the one I mentioned before and Chinese slow torture Rani Mukherji Ishtyle: Rani stripping of her makeup and clothes before the enemy very very slowly while singing in her OWN VOICE......

* Details: Long Karan Johar Movie titles imply long running time, 3.25 hrs at that and these 3.25 hrs relatively feel like 3.25 light years. Now you may say light years is a measure of distance not time, the comparison is absurd. Exactly!! so is the movie.Coming to Einstein, he had a super brain and stock loads of gray cell, precisely what this movie lacks: a brain and lack of gray cells on part of the writers (KJo and Shibani Bhatija, who as I checked IMDB happened to be the writer of the atrocious Fanaa)

Gay Karan (ShitRukh Khan, they make his name sound something like Dev Saran but its Gay Karan) is a desi version of MIA HAMM (MIA is the captain US women's soccer team....) who has an accident and loses his chance of a career in soccer as he becomes handicapped (he cant get it up….). He is also a failed father and a failed husband (he cant get it up….) married to a cold calculative cleavage-popping fashion biatch Rhea (Preity Zinta). On the other hand MyHo Talwar (Nauk Rani Mukherji) is a schoolteacher married to good old friend and PR consultant Rishi Talwar (AB's baby). Their Marriage is also a failure (Rani cant get it up either.......). Mr. & Mr. Talwar live with lecherous pervert Mr. Talwar Sr. (AB, Rishi's father) who beds every blonde with a hole, in the brain I mean. The couples aren't happy, apparently there ain't a decent supply of brown bags in NYC to cover the face and…….lets leave it at that…..

Gay Karan and MyHo meet by accident and Gay bullshits to MyHo incessantly, then years later they meet by accident again over a kidnapping incident (some juvenile attempt at screenwriting this) voila sparks fly and Lo some chicks in the auditorium fainted……Hai Rabba!! was their reaction…...I mean Duh!!! Its SRK and Rani (Read: Ugly and Gender confused) How can sparks not fly?? So after light years of more incomprehensible bullshitting later in which they befriend each other and try to salvage each other's marriage, they have an affair. They tell their respective and relatively better halves about the affair and all hell breaks lose. There are fights, tantrums, accusations, lies, throwing of objects, some leather daddy and S&M whip action, shouting, crying and worst of all: attempts at acting emotional by SRK and Rani. I would rather prefer to be stabbed in the heart by a cold blooded serial killer. As they say words are more harmful than any weapon, especially words croaking out of SRK and Rani's choking-on-a-bone mouth; throw in some bad Hin-glish songs, some forced cameos, AB in hospital getting all philosophical about life and death, shots of Manhattan, some completely over-the-top costumes and unimaginable sets, coincidence after coincidence after coincidence, and you have a full-on rhona-dhona filled Dukhbhari Daastan. Finally the movie creeps to a grating almost laughable end. Abhi being married to the hot hot hot Saira Mohan (*drools*) and Rani as the best MAN (hahahahahaha……now aint that the truth……she ain't called Tranny for no reason)

The movie has every possible SRK-KJo cliché possible (some Z-grade 70's and 80's cliché too). Sample these the sugar coated sappy romantic scenes and songs, the right off-the-ramp costumes, the 100-NYC-executives-can-live-in sized apartments, the beautiful shots of phoren country/city, stereotyping of characters like the career-oriented woman (Preity) is a cold-mean biatch and the Sati-Savitri simpleton chick (Rani) is the nice one and my personal favorite: 'SEXY SAM'……yes I missed this in Kaal…….every time AB comes into picture there's 'SEXY SAM' sung by some bad-accented back-up singers. Remember 'Miss Briganza Aaahaa' in KKHH or 'She wants your money' in KHNH. how I wish every time SRK appeared in the movie, the background would play, in GayJo's voice, 'Shahrukh is my gay lover….Haaai Haai (haaai haaai as in a hijra saying it )

The story is the same oft-repeated nonsense in any GayJo or SRK movies: boy meets girl, boy takes away girl from another boy and they live happily after; the same thing again except the details are a little different. So what if the main leads are married this time and they are transvestites, big deal. Throw in a song to show how sad they really are with their respective spouses, poof the audience will forgive their indiscretion. Shibani Bhajita who wrote the screenplay seems to be playing Uncle Niece games with the Chopra/Johar camp ala Rani Suckerji to get movies and get approval for stupid illogical screenplays (Read my Fanaa review).

SRK's multi-million dollar football contract in USA before the accident ...... hahahaha......... hold on its soccer not football SInce football in US is the tamed down dumbed down version of Rugby. Plus only women's soccer is popular in US, ok wait, it is the sissy Shitrukh

Then the whole crap about justifying the affair because they are soul mates, What the hell!! most people who have an affair have a happy married life and they just go out and cheat for the heck of it, to try something new, something forbidden, to spice up their life. I haven't yet come across anybody who had an affair coz they found their soul mate.

If the explanation for the affair was that they did have an affair because
- both are ugly transvestites
- both are losers of the first order
- both love blue.......films
- both cry for no reason

it would have been good enough for me, don't give nonsense about soul mates and stuff please; especially from a man who is not married and probably never will be unless India passes the proposed gay marriage bill (yes there's a bill in parliament that's been discussed)

The dialogs by Niranjan Iyengar are often trite and meaningless……..I had to translate the dialogs to a bunch of goobers sitting next to me…..sample a couple

Abhi: I want to know why my wife doesn't want to sleep with me??
Rani: Pati-Patni sirf bistar nahi baat-tein hain, zindagi baat-tein hain ………

Translation
Abhi: I want to know my wife doesn't want to sleep with me??
Rani: Are you sure you can see me naked??? Will you be able to perform once you see my Johnson?

Shahrukh to Preity: janti ho is ghar mein mujh se bhi naakamyab kya hain ……….humara rishta

Translation
Shahrukh to Preity: Do you know why I can't get it up??because…..you are neither as hairy as Karan nor you have a Johnson like Rani.

Watching SRK act in this movie is like sitting through a Quentin Tarantino produced horror-blood-gore-violent flick except that the blood/gore/ violence is replaced by the contortions on SRK's face. Just when you think that the bar for dreadful acting on his part cannot be lowered any further, SRK defies the odds and digs further down the abyss. He hams to the hilt. there's the usual heavy breathing (Amisha's asthma attacks seem genuine), the lips quivering, the hideous grinning, the stupid stammering, the uncontrollable nose twitching, at one point I thought his nose was half paralyzed beacuse of the accident or he was actually Samantha the witch from Bewitched waiting to shock the audience. When the dodo cried in the movie I pulled a bunch of my hair due to frustration. I wanted to go to Mumbai , sneak in from his behind, pull his underwear and give him a real bad Wedgie.

He is not much of a looker either but by God he has never looked this hideous before. What more this movie is almost shot with 100X zoom straight on to his face, if not zooming in to Preity's stuffed, swollen and ballooned bosom (Tskk.. Tskk in particular his nose). Plus he looks old…..like really really old…….ancient almost…..I know many of you are fans of SRK's nipples,so are they on display again???….well you have to go through this agony, as I did, to find out.

oh and did anyone notice that out of the blue his limping would just go away.......especially in the songs.......

Layers and Layers of makeup and numerous Liposuction sessions still cannot replace or improve on the intolerable cruelty of watching Rani Suckerji trying to act. She mouths the most amount of baloney in this movie. Her hubby is good looking (comparatively), earns well, likes to have fun, has a nice apartment, obviously loves her, is definitely horny and ready to get it on plus he is faithful yet she is cold, no amount of micro waving can defrost the frigid biatch. She acts grumpy and the glycerin flows continuously. I mean what is the problem with this woman? (besides the Johnson) What more can you ask from your husband?? One of the most disgusting scenes in the movie is the dominatrix costume, you can clearly see the bulge in the crotch..........Ew....... gross.......well it explains why she cries through out the movie. even I was crying at how she looked after Big B pimped her ride and if you want to know then yes she even cries in the love making scene in the movie with ShitRukh (I accept those tears though.......) The first scene in which Rani comes on screen in the red wedding dress......a song started playing in my head, its from the movie Zakhm starring Ajay Devgan and it goes like this

Tum aaye to aaya mujhe yaad ..........GALI MEIN AAJ SAAND NIKALA .......(SAAND as in Bull or bison, coz Rani puts the bull in bullsh!t and the sh!t in bullsh!t)

The character is so poorly written that even Kajol for whom the role was written originally could not have put in any semblance of life in it. I think Bobby Darling would have been perfect for this role…..

Speaking of Kajol, Unibrow woman does make a guest appearance in the movie and for a change I must say it's a kind of relief, if only for half a minute, although relatively it feels like a Nanosecond.

Speaking of cameos, there's Arjun Rampal and John Abraham too or wait was I hallucinating?? I don't know, there was so much furniture in the movie made out of fine Mahogany wood that with their respective acting skills they could pass-off as an Armoire and a Queen-sized bed.

Preity, now I am not a fan of her or her acting but I must say the puppies looked perky, excited and nice and the acting ain't that bad. she is quite decent good for her and the scene where she bitch slaps Shit Rukh: Heaven!!

Big B……hmnnn!?! move over Emran Scmoochmi we have sexy SAM. His role in the movie was sponsored by CIALIS, VIAGRA and PENEGRA. This has to be AB's worst role ever even beating the one in BOOM. The gaudy costumes and the lewd dialog are just too hard to digest coming from a 60-something year old, still he is the Big B and manages to bring a smile to your face. But I would have so loved to see Rajesh Khanna do this role. Man it would have been awesome, a complete laugh-riot….. kyon Babu moshai???

If there is one reason I could sit through this junk then it was Abhishek. He gives a controlled and realistic performance. He is the only character you feel for, first because of the fact that he is the perfect husband who is being cheated upon and second coz that he is the husband of that THING who cheats on him.

Music by Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy is jarringly bad; save for 'Mitwa' which is a nice hear coz of the vocals and the Sufi feel to it.

Technically everything is top quality and extra saucily flamboyant just like the director's mannerisms. However I would like to subject the Film Editor to Level (5.) torture I mentioned above but he/she wont have a choice. It will be the Chinese slow torture Rani Mukherji Ishtyle.

After watching Fanaa and especially Krrish I didn't think there could be a worse movie this year but I sure did jump the gun. Ladies, Gents, Lady-Gents Combos and Shahrukh types we have a winner………
Ram Gopal Varma's prophecy has come true, he said he is awaiting the release of KANK as he loves horror movies………….this sure is one horror film……

First Post

2007-11-02T10:00:00.001-07:00

I have been taking out my frustrations about ridiculously idiotic bollywood movies for some time now on fan and movie boards. On the insistence of a few online friends I have put up this blog to post my reviews (more of rants, shennanigans and post mortem of the logic lacking so called bollywood blockbusters)

Warning: Read the reviews at your own risk. Author not responsible for death due to excessive bullshitting. Reviews may contain strong language and adult themes, in addition to ridiculing your favorite bollywood stars. So beware.