There are movies, then there are bollywood movies, then there are crappy bollywood movies, then there are shitty, crappy, filthy, insanely stupid bollywood movies and finally there are movies like Girlfriend.
This movie was supposed to be the first film on Lesbian relationship from Bollywood. Fire showed Nandita Das and Shabana Azmi in love making scenes but they were not Lesbians, they were straight women who were extremely unhappy with their husbands and had sex a few times but they weren't gay….
The trailers started flooding in and within seconds you could tell this was a skin flick but still I wanted to see the movie to see the women as Lesbian characters and the hot scenes were an added bonus……..:)
Plus Amrita Arora looked smoking hot.
Anyways I watched this movie and by the end of the movie I had fallen from my sofa, my stomach was hurting, so were my ears and I had pulled a muscle in my leg. I was laughing my butt off. This movie was hilarious, quite unintentionally, it was a laugh riot.
So the story, yeah I have to call it a story, goes like this. Psycho Tanya (Isha) and Drunk Ho Sapna (Amrita) are best "buddies" since college. Now after college they live in Mauritius (which is supposed to be Mumbai) in a beach bungalow. Psycho works for some jewelry company or something while Drunk Ho sits on her arse, doesn't do anything but pout and snigger idiotically. These are independent successful women; by that the director means that they wear the shortest and skimpiest of clothes, drink booze like there's no tomorrow and party at cheap night clubs.
So they are like partying at a club and stuff and Drunk Ho is naked and stuff (well almost). There a horny dude attacks her, corners her and starts groping her. Psycho comes to the rescue and beats the crap out of the guy, which is what that loser deserved, establishing her tough image.
Now you are in a night club and some loser attacks your female friend, you will bash him up, get the bouncer to throw him out and actually call the cops to get the creep arrested. Well his intentions were to rape her; it's not like he is going to grope her, pick her up, take her to a dark alley and ask her to tie a "Rakhi". But that's just my thinking, what do our heroines do? They get on the bar and do an item number……….hahahhahahaha……….
From then on the goings on get even more dreadful and hilarious.
Psycho is also kung-fu, karate expert. She earns extra cash by street fighting and taking her frustration out on poor guys. The matrix style action sequences (hahaha) make for insanely, side-splittingly funny scenes in the movie. Psycho would kick Lara Croft any day.
One day Psycho leaves town for a couple of weeks and our poor little Drunk Ho is all alone n sad n stuff. You know nobody is there to grope her at night (more on that later). So in comes her gay friend (Bobby Darling, yes that's his actually its name. I mean really this dude/dudette is an insult to the audience) and introduces Drunk Ho to loser (Ashish Choudhary, this dude is an insult to the word actor) who tries to impress her by saying that he is gay and is its boyfriend.
Note: to all the guys trying to impress chicks, sober or drunk, never ever say that you are gay. Ok some girls may like man on man action but 90% of them don't like the remotest possibility of their boyfriend featuring in that action. As for the remaining 10 % of chicks, keep away from them.
Loser tells the truth later and after one song of manaana and ruthna they fall in love. Yawn……….Psycho is back from her "business" trip and realizes about Drunk Ho and Loser. She makes creepy faces, which is supposed to mean that she is really very jealous. How does she deal with it? They (all 3) go on a vacation to Mauritius. Wait weren't they in Mauritius already. Never mind.
There loser gets very horny and wants to pleasure himself through his voyeuristic tendencies. The peeping tom peeps into Psycho and Ho's bedroom and to his surprise Psycho is all over Ho and groping and touching her and stuff. He has his share of fun at night but the next day he confronts Ho about it and accuses her of being a dyke. She comes up with the best line of the movie
"Main Jab Soti hoon to Main Behosh hoti hoon.Koi kuch kare pata hi nahin chalta" (When I am asleep I am unconscious. I don't realize what's being done to me)…………….hahahahahahahahha…..Oh My Dog….even the thought makes me roll on the floor…….
Ho says that she only slept with psycho once in college on a very drunken night when they were experimenting and stuff.
After the vacation, Ho and loser break up, Psycho becomes permanently constipated and she is morphed into a Psycho Biatch, Drunk Ho becomes a Drunken Crack Ho and loser, well he remains a loser……
Everyone gets jealous, make creepy face, get drunk, ham endlessly and frown. The cycle repeats itself over and over again with the intensity of bad acting increased by a notch every time till the director realizes that he needs to end the movie once and for all.
So comes the ending in which Pyscho Biatch goes to loser's house and as usual beats the shit out of him not before saying the second best line in the movie.
She looks at Loser and tilts her head and says "Yes I am a lesbian………"…….damn right biatch you are a lesbian. What did we think the movie was all about, that you have to tell us right at the end!! We had guessed it the moment you went all catholic priesty and started molesting Drunk Ho.
Ho saves loser from being killed by Psycho Schizophrenic Biatch and Biatch falls down the high rise building and is killed for the happy straight couple to live together ever after.
Isha Koppikar looks like a man. I think Ashish "Loser" Chowdhary should have played the lesbian Psycho character; he is more effeminate than Isha. Isha Koppikar would even give ESHA DEOL an inferiority complex "Bhala iske dole mere dolon se bade kaise?" Isha also by this movie has become a champion at bad acting. She is simply preposterous in this movie.
Amrita Arora looks stunning, a stunning hooker. She designed her own clothes for the movie. For that she just went to a local store and bought 10 barbies dolls, stripped them of their clothes, cut them clothes into pieces so that she had 2 sets of every costume for the movie. She is also a comic genius, her comic timing is impeccable and I am being serious here. Just watch the movie. When she is not mouthing funny one liners she is grinning like a cow and other times her expression or rather facial contortion is like she saw a pig eating human feces.
Ashish Chowdhary is not worth discussing. Fudge him.
Coming to the main issue raised, well not raised but destroyed. This movie not only stereotyped lesbians but was actually damaging to the community. Psycho is a lesbian coz she was molested as a kid by some man. So she hates men and has a perverted attraction to females; ultimately becomes psychotic and is condemned to death.
Ho is a lesbian when she is totally stoned/Zonked/smashed and when she is asleep or in her own words, behosh (unconscious). She actually vows to give up alcohol to de-homosexualize herself. For her DUI (Driving under the Influence) is not crime, SUI (Sleeping under the Influence) is a crime. If she slept with high alcohol content in her body she might actually turn lesbian.
And what's with the love scenes? The love scenes just showed Ho and Psycho rubbing each other all over, basically a BUMP and GRIND sequence in bed.
Technically the production values were shoddy. Music sucked big time. So did the editing and cinematography.
Karan Razdan should make 10 movies like this every year. I need my laughter medicine.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Being Cyrus
Being Stoned!!!
Who you let your scriptwriter be can ruin your movie………..
And the fact that the director Homi Adjania co-wrote the script, he has nobody else to blame but himself…
Satirical, Intense, Subtle, Over-the-top, Loud, Realistic, Noiristic, Hilarious, Abstract are words that come to mind when describing this movie. You cannot associate all the words to a single film without it being exquisitely bad or a masterpiece. Unfortunately this movie falls into the previous category. At the end of viewing this muddled mess all you can do is wonder 'what it could have been.
The story goes like this: Cyrus (Saif) lands up at the door step of a Crack head has-been famous sculptor Dinshaw Sethna (Naseer) and his HORNY wife Katy (Dimple) claiming that he is a big Pankha (fan) of the artist and is there in reference to the ad for apprenticeship posted by Crack head in some newspaper. Cyrus takes up the job and much more at the Sethna household, and by much more I mean Katy's t**s. Katy is a desperate attention seeking whore who seduces Cyrus with her charms, and by charms I mean her t**s; while her crack head husband is totally oblivious of what's "cooking" in his house. He remains stoned (I m not joking when I say Crack head) most of the time daydreaming of what his glorious past was like…
Not only Katy is BEING SERVICED by Cyrus, she is using him to push her own agenda. Crack head has an arse bro Farooq (Boman Irani) in Mumbai with timid wives (Simone) who take "care" of their (Naseer and Boman's) aging father Fardonji (Honey Chaya). Fardonji owns a building (yes a building) in Mumbai which virtually makes him a snake guarding a precious treasure. once you kill the snake/ or he dies the treasure is all yours, but arse farooq and his wife are a thorn; the solution is to get rid of them and Katy employees Cyrus as the pawn for the "kill" but what she does not is that the pawn is actually the king in this game of chess with a certain queen to help him, which is supposed to be the big twist followed by another "kind of" twist right in the final few moments. All it draws is a yawn and that too a long one.
The story is nothing new, a stranger joins a dysfunctional family and uses them to his own advantages; so what you expect is a character driven movie. It starts off well giving us peeks into the life of the Sethnas and Cyrus, but it is only a glimpse. The character development initially takes a leap but prematurely plateaus and ultimately falls on the face. Cyrus being the main protagonist and this being his story, you need to know more about the person he is, not necessarily through his background, which we are again just given a glimpse of, but through his interaction, body language, probably his dreams or something symbolic. All you get is sudden changes in behavior and actions; from a victim to a mastermind to a conniving cold blooded killer to being played around by the queen (of the chess game), his sister and to being naïve about it. There are hints of a troubled childhood leading to psychological issues but not enough to actually substantiate it. As a viewer you don't know whether to sympathize, empathize, be shocked or hate Cyrus or even a combination of few or all of them, making you disinterested since there's no reaction. Just a "whatever" or "blah"…….
The film crosses too many genres and pays tribute to too many film-makers and that's where everything goes wrong. Initially it seems like a satire, a dark comedy then it becomes quite dramatic then onto classic fantasy noir, complete with David Lynch inspired dream sequences and creepy background score, and ultimately a thriller with a not-so-twisted ending. The director tries to pack in too much while trying to be too subtle. Alas it doesn't really work .and like Katy you are left high and dry (pun intended!!!!) while being deceived that you are satisfied.
The performances are top notch, especially Boman Irani and Simone Singh. Simone Simone, Huh!!!! makes you wonder what this talented gorgeous actress is doing when stupid bimbettes like Celina, Ayesha Takia, Amisha, Esha and Rakhi Sawant are frolicking around naked thrusting their bosoms in the name of acting.
Saif, Naseer are excellent. Manoj Pahwa as Lovely, the cop is hilarious. Dimple loses the plot completely in the end; extremely loud and over-the-top, otherwise though she rocks as the promiscuous scheming femme fatale.
The background music is good but sometimes you just wish you could shoot Salim-Suleiman. The cinematography is excellent; the costumes, sets, location are authentic. The dialogues are true to life and sometimes hilarious.
The direction is very good actually but it's the script that is too abstract (not in a good way) and too loose that differentiates this movie from "what it could have been" and a classic. All the correct ingredients are there but the proportion is wrong. Imagine a hot fudge brownie with beef slices and too much sea salt and by sea salt I mean dimple's t**s.
Of course pseudo-intellectuals and "hatke" aficionados who haven't seen David Lynch, Chan-Wook Park, Wong Kar Wai, Pedro Almodovar, Ingmar Bergman, Frederico Fellini, Satyajit Ray or Sudhir Mishra will call this really different and awesome.
It sure is a super first attempt but its no masterpiece…………….
It is definitely worth a dekho for the fine performances and Dimple's Amassive Patel inspired bosom heaving and Asthma attack at the end. Thankfully though Dimple's t** shaking and freaking out scenes are independent unlike Miss Patel's.
Who you let your scriptwriter be can ruin your movie………..
And the fact that the director Homi Adjania co-wrote the script, he has nobody else to blame but himself…
Satirical, Intense, Subtle, Over-the-top, Loud, Realistic, Noiristic, Hilarious, Abstract are words that come to mind when describing this movie. You cannot associate all the words to a single film without it being exquisitely bad or a masterpiece. Unfortunately this movie falls into the previous category. At the end of viewing this muddled mess all you can do is wonder 'what it could have been.
The story goes like this: Cyrus (Saif) lands up at the door step of a Crack head has-been famous sculptor Dinshaw Sethna (Naseer) and his HORNY wife Katy (Dimple) claiming that he is a big Pankha (fan) of the artist and is there in reference to the ad for apprenticeship posted by Crack head in some newspaper. Cyrus takes up the job and much more at the Sethna household, and by much more I mean Katy's t**s. Katy is a desperate attention seeking whore who seduces Cyrus with her charms, and by charms I mean her t**s; while her crack head husband is totally oblivious of what's "cooking" in his house. He remains stoned (I m not joking when I say Crack head) most of the time daydreaming of what his glorious past was like…
Not only Katy is BEING SERVICED by Cyrus, she is using him to push her own agenda. Crack head has an arse bro Farooq (Boman Irani) in Mumbai with timid wives (Simone) who take "care" of their (Naseer and Boman's) aging father Fardonji (Honey Chaya). Fardonji owns a building (yes a building) in Mumbai which virtually makes him a snake guarding a precious treasure. once you kill the snake/ or he dies the treasure is all yours, but arse farooq and his wife are a thorn; the solution is to get rid of them and Katy employees Cyrus as the pawn for the "kill" but what she does not is that the pawn is actually the king in this game of chess with a certain queen to help him, which is supposed to be the big twist followed by another "kind of" twist right in the final few moments. All it draws is a yawn and that too a long one.
The story is nothing new, a stranger joins a dysfunctional family and uses them to his own advantages; so what you expect is a character driven movie. It starts off well giving us peeks into the life of the Sethnas and Cyrus, but it is only a glimpse. The character development initially takes a leap but prematurely plateaus and ultimately falls on the face. Cyrus being the main protagonist and this being his story, you need to know more about the person he is, not necessarily through his background, which we are again just given a glimpse of, but through his interaction, body language, probably his dreams or something symbolic. All you get is sudden changes in behavior and actions; from a victim to a mastermind to a conniving cold blooded killer to being played around by the queen (of the chess game), his sister and to being naïve about it. There are hints of a troubled childhood leading to psychological issues but not enough to actually substantiate it. As a viewer you don't know whether to sympathize, empathize, be shocked or hate Cyrus or even a combination of few or all of them, making you disinterested since there's no reaction. Just a "whatever" or "blah"…….
The film crosses too many genres and pays tribute to too many film-makers and that's where everything goes wrong. Initially it seems like a satire, a dark comedy then it becomes quite dramatic then onto classic fantasy noir, complete with David Lynch inspired dream sequences and creepy background score, and ultimately a thriller with a not-so-twisted ending. The director tries to pack in too much while trying to be too subtle. Alas it doesn't really work .and like Katy you are left high and dry (pun intended!!!!) while being deceived that you are satisfied.
The performances are top notch, especially Boman Irani and Simone Singh. Simone Simone, Huh!!!! makes you wonder what this talented gorgeous actress is doing when stupid bimbettes like Celina, Ayesha Takia, Amisha, Esha and Rakhi Sawant are frolicking around naked thrusting their bosoms in the name of acting.
Saif, Naseer are excellent. Manoj Pahwa as Lovely, the cop is hilarious. Dimple loses the plot completely in the end; extremely loud and over-the-top, otherwise though she rocks as the promiscuous scheming femme fatale.
The background music is good but sometimes you just wish you could shoot Salim-Suleiman. The cinematography is excellent; the costumes, sets, location are authentic. The dialogues are true to life and sometimes hilarious.
The direction is very good actually but it's the script that is too abstract (not in a good way) and too loose that differentiates this movie from "what it could have been" and a classic. All the correct ingredients are there but the proportion is wrong. Imagine a hot fudge brownie with beef slices and too much sea salt and by sea salt I mean dimple's t**s.
Of course pseudo-intellectuals and "hatke" aficionados who haven't seen David Lynch, Chan-Wook Park, Wong Kar Wai, Pedro Almodovar, Ingmar Bergman, Frederico Fellini, Satyajit Ray or Sudhir Mishra will call this really different and awesome.
It sure is a super first attempt but its no masterpiece…………….
It is definitely worth a dekho for the fine performances and Dimple's Amassive Patel inspired bosom heaving and Asthma attack at the end. Thankfully though Dimple's t** shaking and freaking out scenes are independent unlike Miss Patel's.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Fanaa
Phataa……
Destroyed in commercialization……
Casting Coup, two words that describe the new hit formula for YRF. First it was AB and his Baby in Bunty Aur Babli, then Preity's throat and Saif's tongue (as in tongue down the throat) in Sell Ham| No Masti, UFOs (Unidentified Fugly Objects) Uday and Tanisha in Nympho and Nangi, Hrithik and ASH in upcoming Dhoom 2 and now Aamir and Kajol in Fanaa.
This one is directed by Kunal Kohli who had previously unleashed the Monstrosity called Mujhpe Shit Karoge (loosely inspired by Uma Thurman starrer 'the truth about cats and dogs') and the unabashed scene-to-scene rip-off of 'When Harry Met Sally'- Hum Tum. Well Hum Tum didn't have the famous "Big O" scene and it is understandable; I mean anybody would have difficulty, even a good actor like Saif, to fake an Orgasm with Rani Mukherji in front of you *just imagine Rani's fabulous love handles in Nach Baliye from Bunty aur Bubli*. Moving on. So from which movie did he get "inspired" this time? It was rumored that Fanaa is a Dil Se meets Noorie. I call it stupidity meets lack of imagination. It is neither as intense, dark as Dil Se nor light camp fun as Noorie. It is typical Chopra/ Johar candy floss kitsch with the chutzpah to steal from not one, not two but three movies and an international best seller.
Well you already know about Dil Se and Noorie, the third one and the major one I am referring to is Ken Follet's World War II spy-thriller "Eye of the Needle" with a movie of the same name, except that this one has Kajol in a wet sari heaving profoundly while Aamir is groping her from behind to a loud number by Jatin-Lalit.
We meet Zooni (Kajol), a Kashmiri girl, who lives with her doting parents (Rishi kapoor and Kirron Kher). Two points here: First Diabetes patients should keep insulin injections with them while watching the initial reels since the parents are super saturated saccharine caricatures and might increase your blood sugar. Second, Zooni is blind. why? Kajol refused to wax or tweeze her Unibrow. Solution: make her blind so that she doesn't realize that there's a wild growth on her face, although she does know how to put the lip gloss on her lips and eye shadow on her eyes instead of the nose. The abbu-ammi jaan want their daughter in her late thirties to be independent (as they say it's never too late!!!!) and want her to find her Shehzada, her prince, her knight in shining armor who will rescue this damsel in distress with a Unibrow.
If I had a shot of Tequila for every time somebody said Shehzada in the movie, I would have died of liver cirrhosis before the movie reached its interval point.
So they send her to Delhi with some hot mama cita friends to perform at the republic day parade. There she meets flirtatious tourist guide cum Romeo cum terrorist Rehan (Aamir). He reads her some sher-o-shayri, makes her hot friend jealous, cracks some jokes on her blindness, takes her for some "sight seeing" in Delhi, well of course sings her songs and comes up with amazing superlatives for her beauty. She falls for him. He tries to resist but cannot help it. They decide to get married after seeking permission from her parents and getting a retinal transplant for Zooni. As Zooni is getting her sight back, Rehan is getting himself killed in a bomb blast by the Attank waadis (from the word Attank I remember a movie called Attank Hi Attank, which I would prefer to forget and so would Mr. Aamir Khan)
So far so good. What follows next, however, is not only extremely idiotic but absolute proof of the completely gray-cell lacking Bush-sized brain of the writer and director running out of ideas and lack of films left to copy from. The supposedly shocking twist evokes guffaws.
Rehan is an IKF (Independent Kashmir Front or something?) terrorist. He is not dead and wants to steal a "trigger" from Indian Military base in Kashmir, so that IKF can threaten India and Pakistan with a Nuclear weapon.
After some Dhishum-Dhishum, Wham-Bam, 5000 bullets, 1 exploded helicopter and 3000 dead Indian soldiers later, Rehan gets the trigger but he is injured and there's a really bad snow storm. He takes refuge in a lovely little cottage that happens to be where no-longer-blind-but-still-has-unibrow Zooni lives with her drunken father and her kid Rehan Jr. She doesn't recognize Rehan and nurses him back to good health. Finally the truth is revealed and the predictable ending comes with a sigh of relief.
Rehan Jr. is actually Rehan's son; yeah Rehan knocked-up Zooni on their first and only night together. It is quite baffling that in this day and age (read AIDS and STDs) they don't think of protection on their humping expedition. As in typical Bollywood films the lady gets pregnant the first time itself. That is some really powerful terrorist sperm.
There are numerous plot holes and the lack of research shows completely. The whole nuclear trigger mambo jumbo is laughable; I mean you expect the nuclear trigger to be well protected and kept in some kind of safe carrier plus the Indian Military must follow some protocol when protecting and transporting such highly confidential and valuable secret stuff with adequate back up. None here
When IKF chief and Rehan speak on the radio they don't use code words; which dumb military or "freedom fighting" organization would actually give a description of their mission on the radio when you know anybody could be spying on you?
Rehan is super human. He can kill hundreds of Indian soldiers, woo girls with ease, infiltrate the military base, sing songs all over Delhi, and undertake risqué missions alone while leaving no pictures or people who have seen him being able to provide a description. Ridiculous.
Tabu plays an agent of the Indian Intelligence "Agency": RAW. Wait did I say Agency, no there is no agency in India like that. RAW is a wing, a Research and Analysis Wing that monitors external intelligence of India. The thing is nobody knows how RAW works as an organization and it reports directly and only to the PM's Office, I don't believe RAW would just let any of their agents loose in search of a terrorist without fearing exposure. Tabu is a profiler who tells about the imminent nuclear attack, how does she know that IKF has nuclear weapons but don't have a trigger? Well if she has an agent/ mole infiltrating IKF wouldn't he/she know about Rehan? Also Tabu keeps referring to the terrorist (Rehan) as "Woh", as in a one person…………WTF????…………what makes her think that it is just one person and not 2 guys or 3 guys or a whole organization? What the hell is Pakistan and Pakistan's Inter Services Intelligence doing? Ain't the IKF thinking of nuking Pakistan too?
What Rehan does for 7-8 years is unknown, after his supposed death he comes to steal the trigger and lands up at Zooni's place only to find he has a 6-7 year old son which basically establishes the time frame. What was our RAW agent doing during that time? RAW/police/military have no knowledge about Rehan and his activities during all these years. BTW Zooni doesn't recognize his voice when he lands up at her doorstep. That was not a statement it was a question. How can she not remember his voice or body odor?
The helicopter blasting scenes and Rishi Kapoor falling down the cliff are absolutely ROTFLMFAO moments……….rib tickling comedy this…….
The funniest scene however is when Kajol, after her retina transplant, opens her eyes and within 2 seconds starts shouting "Ammi mein dekh sakti hoon??" (Mom, I can see) Oh My Dog! hahahahahaha………….hilarious………don't your eyes take time to adjust to light? Don't the doctors make you do numerous sessions and tests to ensure proper eyesight? Heck some people go through psychiatric sessions to deal with regained eyesight but our lady of steel, Unibrow woman, immediately jumps for joy. What follows after that is even more outrageous and embarrassing; I couldn't believe I was seeing this. The police force her to identify Rehan's dead body………hahahahahahahahaha……..no the doctor cannot recognize him but the lady who just regained her eyesight can……..wow…
Technically barring the embarrassing FX, the movie is quite polished. The cinematography, sets, costumes, background score, sound, locales are astounding….
The music by Jatin Lalit is decent with Chand Sifarish as the best song.
The supporting characters are mediocre to bad except Tabu who does her best in a truly badly written role and looks very pretty.
Comparisons with Dil Se are inevitable. Dil Se was not a commercial success and had its share of flaws but it is definitely a superior product than Fanaa. Manisha's role here is parallel to Aamir's and SRK's role is parallel to Kajol's.
Aamir gives a good performance. His mannerisms and expressive eyes overshadow the extremely poor characterization. He shows shades of gray but is not menacing or despicable enough (like Saif in Ek Hasina Thi) or utterly confused yet manipulative (like Manisha in Dil Se or Madhuri in Pukar). We are as confused as him on whether and what he is doing is justified or not? And the dilemma is not a moral one.
Kajol, even with the Unibrow, looks gorgeous. This is a much understated performance from her and her arrogance doesn't come across as in her other movies or interviews. She is a strong woman even tough she is handicapped yet comes across as vulnerable. Certainly her best performance. Compared to Dil Se's SRK though, she fades a little bit, it probably was SRK's best performance till Swades; he was completely, madly and blindly in love with Meghna (Manisha) ignoring all the signs and the warnings about her background. It came across believably in Dil Se, not quite in Fanaa.
The chemistry between Aamir and Kajol is natural but cant match the one between SRK-Manisha.
Kunal Kohli, the only thing I hope is that Taran Adarsh doesn't take up direction because of Kunal's commercial success. I do have a compliment for him; the movie has some of the most poetic dialogue in recent times.
Destroyed in commercialization……
Casting Coup, two words that describe the new hit formula for YRF. First it was AB and his Baby in Bunty Aur Babli, then Preity's throat and Saif's tongue (as in tongue down the throat) in Sell Ham| No Masti, UFOs (Unidentified Fugly Objects) Uday and Tanisha in Nympho and Nangi, Hrithik and ASH in upcoming Dhoom 2 and now Aamir and Kajol in Fanaa.
This one is directed by Kunal Kohli who had previously unleashed the Monstrosity called Mujhpe Shit Karoge (loosely inspired by Uma Thurman starrer 'the truth about cats and dogs') and the unabashed scene-to-scene rip-off of 'When Harry Met Sally'- Hum Tum. Well Hum Tum didn't have the famous "Big O" scene and it is understandable; I mean anybody would have difficulty, even a good actor like Saif, to fake an Orgasm with Rani Mukherji in front of you *just imagine Rani's fabulous love handles in Nach Baliye from Bunty aur Bubli*. Moving on. So from which movie did he get "inspired" this time? It was rumored that Fanaa is a Dil Se meets Noorie. I call it stupidity meets lack of imagination. It is neither as intense, dark as Dil Se nor light camp fun as Noorie. It is typical Chopra/ Johar candy floss kitsch with the chutzpah to steal from not one, not two but three movies and an international best seller.
Well you already know about Dil Se and Noorie, the third one and the major one I am referring to is Ken Follet's World War II spy-thriller "Eye of the Needle" with a movie of the same name, except that this one has Kajol in a wet sari heaving profoundly while Aamir is groping her from behind to a loud number by Jatin-Lalit.
We meet Zooni (Kajol), a Kashmiri girl, who lives with her doting parents (Rishi kapoor and Kirron Kher). Two points here: First Diabetes patients should keep insulin injections with them while watching the initial reels since the parents are super saturated saccharine caricatures and might increase your blood sugar. Second, Zooni is blind. why? Kajol refused to wax or tweeze her Unibrow. Solution: make her blind so that she doesn't realize that there's a wild growth on her face, although she does know how to put the lip gloss on her lips and eye shadow on her eyes instead of the nose. The abbu-ammi jaan want their daughter in her late thirties to be independent (as they say it's never too late!!!!) and want her to find her Shehzada, her prince, her knight in shining armor who will rescue this damsel in distress with a Unibrow.
If I had a shot of Tequila for every time somebody said Shehzada in the movie, I would have died of liver cirrhosis before the movie reached its interval point.
So they send her to Delhi with some hot mama cita friends to perform at the republic day parade. There she meets flirtatious tourist guide cum Romeo cum terrorist Rehan (Aamir). He reads her some sher-o-shayri, makes her hot friend jealous, cracks some jokes on her blindness, takes her for some "sight seeing" in Delhi, well of course sings her songs and comes up with amazing superlatives for her beauty. She falls for him. He tries to resist but cannot help it. They decide to get married after seeking permission from her parents and getting a retinal transplant for Zooni. As Zooni is getting her sight back, Rehan is getting himself killed in a bomb blast by the Attank waadis (from the word Attank I remember a movie called Attank Hi Attank, which I would prefer to forget and so would Mr. Aamir Khan)
So far so good. What follows next, however, is not only extremely idiotic but absolute proof of the completely gray-cell lacking Bush-sized brain of the writer and director running out of ideas and lack of films left to copy from. The supposedly shocking twist evokes guffaws.
Rehan is an IKF (Independent Kashmir Front or something?) terrorist. He is not dead and wants to steal a "trigger" from Indian Military base in Kashmir, so that IKF can threaten India and Pakistan with a Nuclear weapon.
After some Dhishum-Dhishum, Wham-Bam, 5000 bullets, 1 exploded helicopter and 3000 dead Indian soldiers later, Rehan gets the trigger but he is injured and there's a really bad snow storm. He takes refuge in a lovely little cottage that happens to be where no-longer-blind-but-still-has-unibrow Zooni lives with her drunken father and her kid Rehan Jr. She doesn't recognize Rehan and nurses him back to good health. Finally the truth is revealed and the predictable ending comes with a sigh of relief.
Rehan Jr. is actually Rehan's son; yeah Rehan knocked-up Zooni on their first and only night together. It is quite baffling that in this day and age (read AIDS and STDs) they don't think of protection on their humping expedition. As in typical Bollywood films the lady gets pregnant the first time itself. That is some really powerful terrorist sperm.
There are numerous plot holes and the lack of research shows completely. The whole nuclear trigger mambo jumbo is laughable; I mean you expect the nuclear trigger to be well protected and kept in some kind of safe carrier plus the Indian Military must follow some protocol when protecting and transporting such highly confidential and valuable secret stuff with adequate back up. None here
When IKF chief and Rehan speak on the radio they don't use code words; which dumb military or "freedom fighting" organization would actually give a description of their mission on the radio when you know anybody could be spying on you?
Rehan is super human. He can kill hundreds of Indian soldiers, woo girls with ease, infiltrate the military base, sing songs all over Delhi, and undertake risqué missions alone while leaving no pictures or people who have seen him being able to provide a description. Ridiculous.
Tabu plays an agent of the Indian Intelligence "Agency": RAW. Wait did I say Agency, no there is no agency in India like that. RAW is a wing, a Research and Analysis Wing that monitors external intelligence of India. The thing is nobody knows how RAW works as an organization and it reports directly and only to the PM's Office, I don't believe RAW would just let any of their agents loose in search of a terrorist without fearing exposure. Tabu is a profiler who tells about the imminent nuclear attack, how does she know that IKF has nuclear weapons but don't have a trigger? Well if she has an agent/ mole infiltrating IKF wouldn't he/she know about Rehan? Also Tabu keeps referring to the terrorist (Rehan) as "Woh", as in a one person…………WTF????…………what makes her think that it is just one person and not 2 guys or 3 guys or a whole organization? What the hell is Pakistan and Pakistan's Inter Services Intelligence doing? Ain't the IKF thinking of nuking Pakistan too?
What Rehan does for 7-8 years is unknown, after his supposed death he comes to steal the trigger and lands up at Zooni's place only to find he has a 6-7 year old son which basically establishes the time frame. What was our RAW agent doing during that time? RAW/police/military have no knowledge about Rehan and his activities during all these years. BTW Zooni doesn't recognize his voice when he lands up at her doorstep. That was not a statement it was a question. How can she not remember his voice or body odor?
The helicopter blasting scenes and Rishi Kapoor falling down the cliff are absolutely ROTFLMFAO moments……….rib tickling comedy this…….
The funniest scene however is when Kajol, after her retina transplant, opens her eyes and within 2 seconds starts shouting "Ammi mein dekh sakti hoon??" (Mom, I can see) Oh My Dog! hahahahahaha………….hilarious………don't your eyes take time to adjust to light? Don't the doctors make you do numerous sessions and tests to ensure proper eyesight? Heck some people go through psychiatric sessions to deal with regained eyesight but our lady of steel, Unibrow woman, immediately jumps for joy. What follows after that is even more outrageous and embarrassing; I couldn't believe I was seeing this. The police force her to identify Rehan's dead body………hahahahahahahahaha……..no the doctor cannot recognize him but the lady who just regained her eyesight can……..wow…
Technically barring the embarrassing FX, the movie is quite polished. The cinematography, sets, costumes, background score, sound, locales are astounding….
The music by Jatin Lalit is decent with Chand Sifarish as the best song.
The supporting characters are mediocre to bad except Tabu who does her best in a truly badly written role and looks very pretty.
Comparisons with Dil Se are inevitable. Dil Se was not a commercial success and had its share of flaws but it is definitely a superior product than Fanaa. Manisha's role here is parallel to Aamir's and SRK's role is parallel to Kajol's.
Aamir gives a good performance. His mannerisms and expressive eyes overshadow the extremely poor characterization. He shows shades of gray but is not menacing or despicable enough (like Saif in Ek Hasina Thi) or utterly confused yet manipulative (like Manisha in Dil Se or Madhuri in Pukar). We are as confused as him on whether and what he is doing is justified or not? And the dilemma is not a moral one.
Kajol, even with the Unibrow, looks gorgeous. This is a much understated performance from her and her arrogance doesn't come across as in her other movies or interviews. She is a strong woman even tough she is handicapped yet comes across as vulnerable. Certainly her best performance. Compared to Dil Se's SRK though, she fades a little bit, it probably was SRK's best performance till Swades; he was completely, madly and blindly in love with Meghna (Manisha) ignoring all the signs and the warnings about her background. It came across believably in Dil Se, not quite in Fanaa.
The chemistry between Aamir and Kajol is natural but cant match the one between SRK-Manisha.
Kunal Kohli, the only thing I hope is that Taran Adarsh doesn't take up direction because of Kunal's commercial success. I do have a compliment for him; the movie has some of the most poetic dialogue in recent times.
Krrish
Krash........
Is it a Bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Transvestite Hooker?………
As I entered the movie hall playing Krrash, my bayyee Ankh started phadking. I thought something bad was about to happen, but it was not to be, just a feeling of Déjà vu for the entire 3 hours of the running time. I have seen this before, was the thought in my head. Have I, in my sub conscience, already seen the future? Am I turning into a psychic? (For the illiterate, psychic means fortune teller; not a psycho, which you can certainly use to describe Mr. Rakesh Roshan). As I drove back home I was disturbed with the thought of my new found "super powers" of seeing the future. As soon as I came back home "they" were staring at me, all my anxiety and euphoria came crashing down with that one look. I realized I ain't no psychic, no future seeing nerd. I didn't see the future, I hadn't seen the movie in my dreams prior to its release and "they" made me realize it. They were DVDs of Batman Begins, Underworld, Matrix, Spiderman, Daredevil, Minority Report and Superman.
Just when you think there are no more ways left to do it, Bollywood comes up with more innovative ways to humiliate itself. Of course it involves a bit of "inspiration" from a certain source(s) namely DVDs of Hollywood superhero movies. (Tsk Tskk see above)
Having said that…………
Hooray for Bollywood! I haven't been embarrassed this much and laughed this hard in months. The last I had so much insanely uproarious, riotous time was when I enjoyed a movie marathon of the most unintentionally funny movies ever made in India: Girlfriend, Dil To Paagal Hain, Veer Zaara, Koi Mil Gaya and Hindustan Ki Kasam. This one surpassed all of them combined. I agree with Roshan Sr. when he says Krissh is a path breaking movie; it is the first romantic-musical-comedy-mystery-action-thriller flick. Wait…………doesn't that describe every masala movie? Damn right it does but here's the twist, it is all that and still different. Why? For the first time our hero is actually a Drag Queen Superhero. Not just any Drag Queen Superhero like Batman (Read: The cape, Robin, Duh!!!!) or Orlando Bloom but a Drag Queen Superhero with a Mullet. The mop on Hrithik's head is officially the worst hairstyle in Bollywood beating Roshan Sr.'s fabulous do or the poison ivy growing on Esha Deol's head in Dus or the dead beaver on Preity's head in Lakshya or SRK's hair in , Umnnn, lets just say SRK's hair.
As has been publicized Krassh is the sequel to Koi Cheel Gaya, so lets recap what happened in the previous one. Rohit (HR) is the retarded son of a wacky mother Sonia (Rekha) and scientist father (Taklu Roshan). Father makes a computer to contact aliens. Aliens get irritated by the noise that he sends to them, they come to earth and whack him. Retard grows up and finds a skank Nisha (Preity); they find daddy's computer and again send noise signals to space. Aliens are pissed again and send one of them aliens, Jadoo to get rid of retard and the computer. But solar-powered alien falls for the skank in mini skirt and instead cures Rohit's mental illness and gives him great physical strength. Rohit transforms into MC Hammer, beats up baddies and sends Jadoo back with the promise to never send any noise signals their way.
Now on to the sequel, Rohit and Nisha have a baby and die. Wacky grandma Sonia raises Krishna (Hrithik Roshan, Radha would have been more suitable, just imagine Hrithik instead of Gracey Singh in Radha Kaise na Jale). When grandma learns that he is super intelligent and super strong she completely freaks out as if she inhaled enough crack for the rest of her life (which I think she did) and decides to home school him for his own good. Krrish having never had any friends or never seen a woman besides crazy grandma starts cross-dressing and ultimately becomes a drag queen. Roshan Sr. uses symbolism quite a lot, you are never told directly that Krishna is actually a queen but the only way to explain the combination of Krishna's hair, muscular body, evening gowns and dancing is a flaming queen itching to get on the stage and burn the floor with her fabulosity!
Krishna has now grown up to be Krish-sheena (that's his fabulous screen/stage name) and one day he saves the life of a tourist Priya (Priyanka Chopra). After two songs queen is madly in love with Priya. Priya is a reporter from Singapore and must return. Queen follows her to Singapore and then the story takes a twist; while at a circus, there's a fire and poor Chinki kids are trapped. Queen realizes that this is his chance, he can make the flashiest, most fabulous entrance into showbiz; after all when will the ballet training come to use? He picks up a supposedly burnt mask, which happens to fit his face perfectly and a trench coat, which again happens to fit his muscular body perfectly (I guess ESHA DEOL must have been a clown at the circus; he is the only one whose muscular body matches Hrithik's), saves the kids and becomes famous.
Meanwhile Evil Dr. Arya (Naseeruddin Shah), who happens to be in Singapore, has developed a computer that can tell you the future and plans to rule the world….MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA……………Okay don't even think logically as to how a computer can predict the future. This is a fantasy, a Bollywood fantasy; heck if a gay ghost can make Rani pregnant in Paheli albeit after covering her face with a brown bag then why can't a computer predict the future.
But Krrish-sheena wont let Devil (abbreviation for Dr. Evil) steal his thunder, it's his time and nobody I mean absolutely nobody can outshine him. Plus Devil is the one who abused and "killed" his father Rohit after using him to build the supercomputer. Krrish-sheena signs a multi-million dollar deal with Singapore tourism board (plus he already has a multi-million rupee deal with Bournvita) and chases Devil all over Singapore. This is what is called Ek Teer Se Do Nishane (hitting two targets with one shot); by chasing Devil throughout Singapore he is satisfying two sponsors at the same time. After making the sponsors happy there's some dhishum-dhishum, some rona, some khona, some paana, some gale milna before good triumphs over Evil and Krrish-sheena becomes the most famous drag queen superhero with a mullet in the history of the universe. It also helps that there is no other drag queen superhero with a mullet in the universe.
As you can see the story by Robin Bhatt, Sachin Bhowmick, Honey Irani, Akash Khurana and Rakesh Roshan is one of the most idiotic pieces of rubbish ever to come out of cinema. The Krrish character is one part Superman, one part Spiderman and one part Umrao Jaan. What were they thinking? Wrong Question. What were they copying from? This is what happens when you mix DVDs of crappy Hollywood CGI flicks, South Asian kungu fu classics and loud Bollywood historicals on courtesans. Aren't they ashamed of the blatant plagiarism??
Don't tell me that it is an Indianized version with Indian values or majority of people in India haven't seen the original or atleast it's well made or its something never tried in Bollywood. Those are just excuses, without giving due credit to the original a copy is a copy and just because somebody tries something different doesn't mean it's not garbage.
Another problem is with the logic (non-existent). Not another excuse that it was made for kids, what are we teaching our kids today that's its okay to be extremely dumb and shamelessly steal from the west?
Why would Krrish have superpowers? The alien Jadoo had superpowers and he cured the retarded Rohit (unfortunately you still had to bear the other retards in the movie, Rekha and Preity, and the director sahib himself). But how does Krishna have superpowers? I don't guess Rohit's spermatozoa was super-powerful enough? Hey maybe Jadoo humped Rohit and the alien DNA mixed with Rohit's and that's how the super powers were inherited (I am using Bollywood biology here, so bear with me). Still it doesn't explain how Nisha got pregnant with Krishna since Rohit was with mad scientist Dr Arya. Was it just a splash-n-dash for a wham-bam-thank-u-ma'am? Holy Shit, I get it. It's the Second Coming of Christ. Nisha gets impregnated just like Virgin Mary got pregnant with Jesus. Other and more likely scenario is that maybe Jadoo knocked-up Nisha.
There are numerous WTF moments in the movie..........
- Rekha saying "IQ test" as if it were an autopsy when the school principal's request for Krishna's IQ test
- The IQ test itself…….is not an IQ test but a General knowledge test……wtf?
- Krishna cracking a rock by punching a volleyball onto the rock. Fuck!! that's hilarious.
- The whole Rohit in flashback thing. Jadoo had cured the retarded Rohit then why does he behave like a retard with speech impediment; you know the old mentally challenged Rohit. Didn't Jadoo cure him?
- Sharat Saxena..........saying compoooter......all the time.
- The fight with all the Ninjas on the island, especially the flying kick that Krishna delivers to one of them.......LMFAO
- The flight in Dr. Evil's lair. Krishna is fighting and kicking and hitting at lightening speed but when the henchmen, the goondas fall, it goes into slow motion........WTF is that.
- The whole bullet scene at the end ..................LOL
Ooh how can I forget the numerous product placement forced throughout the script to make a few Gazillion rupees. Bournvita, Faber Castle crayons, Tide, Hero Honda, Samsung electronics are some of the sponsors featured. Totally annoying. What is with Hrithik movies and product placement? Remember the dotcom dotcom from Yaadein???
The FX are shoddy and the fights have a Matrix meets Crouching Tiger hangover, so much for imagination and originality.
The songs like the first movie are horrible. The background score is a bit better than the previous one since Salim-Suleiman do the score this time (thank dog!!!). However the "déjà vu" feeling is still there, if you know what I mean.
The cinematography is decent; it was sponsored by the Singapore/Manali tourism board and the Hrithik Roshan foundation (chairman: The son obsessed Rakesh Roshan). On screen all you see is beautiful Singapore/Manali locations or Hrithik's sweat, Hrithik's muscles, Hrithik's eyes, Hrithik's hair and since we are on the topic of Hrithik lets discuss him a little bit
Hrithik Roshan: well I have already discussed his fantastico tresses; but with the amount of product placement I was surprised L'Oreal Hicksville (redneck subsidiary of L'Oreal Paris specializing in mullets) was not a sponsor of his mop. Roshan Sr. missed out on a few million there. Hrithik struts his stuff in the movie and by that I mean his hair, bulging biceps and a cleavage with heaven pointing Nipples. Yes you heard it right; it's not SRK, its Hrithik who is showing his nipples this time around. His super-hero costume is a cross between Selene's (Underworld) and Neo's (Matrix) trench coat while his mask is a cross between Bruce Wayne (Batman Begins) and Patience Phillips (Catwoman). Frankly I have seen drag queens with better costumes at the Gay Pride Parade. Wait Krrish is a drag queen superhero, never mind. While on the topic of costumes, what on earth were the designers thinking? the weird halter-top cum choli and dhoti-meets-spandex costume that Hrithik sports reminds you of Barbara Eden from 'I-Dream-of-Jeannie', sadly you cant fold your hands, wink and nod your head like Jeannie to put some decent clothes on him. Damn those nipples. They are watching you, they are following you. Wasn't it enough that I already endure nightmares of SRK's nipple and nose thrusting millimeters close to my face that Hrithik had to display them here? anyways along with strutting his stuff he also dances like Michael Jackson, jumps, leaps, runs, swims, beats up baddies, saves children, saves scared heroine (wow this is so imaginative, I have never seen any our hero saving a damsel in any Bollywood movie before), handles wacky grandma (special brownie points for this, if it were me I would have stuffed a couple of porcupines down her throat) and keeps his identity as a drag queen superhero hidden. Hey even for superhero it's a bad PR move to know that there is the faintest chance that you bat for the opposing team.
Priyanka's role is completely awesome and very very hatke. She has to look pretty, smile sometimes, cry and shout sometimes, dance sometimes, get rescued, and dress outrageously. how much more scope do you need to showcase you talent?
Rekha continues with the WTF Factor from the first movie, acting more stoned, spooky and paranoid with even more garish makeup.
Naseeruddin Shah, what was he doing in this one? I didn't know he was in this, I think he accepted this fluff just to see how bad this movie will turn out even with his presence. Now he knows, even he can't provide a salvage value but he sure as hell does have a lot of fun in his role. You can actually see him smiling mockingly, devilishly thinking that he is saying what he is saying.
The only way to describe this film is to say that Rakesh Roshan had Diarrhea and the result of it is on screen.
People who find this movie awesome are either 7 year olds (mentally) or a teenage girl drooling at the thought of Hrithik's muscles (totally understandable)
RATING: IT'S SO BAD THAT IT'S GOOD……. IT'S AWESOME (well mentally I am a 7-year old after all)
Now I am off to India with my newly purchased Lawn mower to give Hrithik a decent haircut….
Is it a Bird? Is it a plane? Is it a Transvestite Hooker?………
As I entered the movie hall playing Krrash, my bayyee Ankh started phadking. I thought something bad was about to happen, but it was not to be, just a feeling of Déjà vu for the entire 3 hours of the running time. I have seen this before, was the thought in my head. Have I, in my sub conscience, already seen the future? Am I turning into a psychic? (For the illiterate, psychic means fortune teller; not a psycho, which you can certainly use to describe Mr. Rakesh Roshan). As I drove back home I was disturbed with the thought of my new found "super powers" of seeing the future. As soon as I came back home "they" were staring at me, all my anxiety and euphoria came crashing down with that one look. I realized I ain't no psychic, no future seeing nerd. I didn't see the future, I hadn't seen the movie in my dreams prior to its release and "they" made me realize it. They were DVDs of Batman Begins, Underworld, Matrix, Spiderman, Daredevil, Minority Report and Superman.
Just when you think there are no more ways left to do it, Bollywood comes up with more innovative ways to humiliate itself. Of course it involves a bit of "inspiration" from a certain source(s) namely DVDs of Hollywood superhero movies. (Tsk Tskk see above)
Having said that…………
Hooray for Bollywood! I haven't been embarrassed this much and laughed this hard in months. The last I had so much insanely uproarious, riotous time was when I enjoyed a movie marathon of the most unintentionally funny movies ever made in India: Girlfriend, Dil To Paagal Hain, Veer Zaara, Koi Mil Gaya and Hindustan Ki Kasam. This one surpassed all of them combined. I agree with Roshan Sr. when he says Krissh is a path breaking movie; it is the first romantic-musical-comedy-mystery-action-thriller flick. Wait…………doesn't that describe every masala movie? Damn right it does but here's the twist, it is all that and still different. Why? For the first time our hero is actually a Drag Queen Superhero. Not just any Drag Queen Superhero like Batman (Read: The cape, Robin, Duh!!!!) or Orlando Bloom but a Drag Queen Superhero with a Mullet. The mop on Hrithik's head is officially the worst hairstyle in Bollywood beating Roshan Sr.'s fabulous do or the poison ivy growing on Esha Deol's head in Dus or the dead beaver on Preity's head in Lakshya or SRK's hair in , Umnnn, lets just say SRK's hair.
As has been publicized Krassh is the sequel to Koi Cheel Gaya, so lets recap what happened in the previous one. Rohit (HR) is the retarded son of a wacky mother Sonia (Rekha) and scientist father (Taklu Roshan). Father makes a computer to contact aliens. Aliens get irritated by the noise that he sends to them, they come to earth and whack him. Retard grows up and finds a skank Nisha (Preity); they find daddy's computer and again send noise signals to space. Aliens are pissed again and send one of them aliens, Jadoo to get rid of retard and the computer. But solar-powered alien falls for the skank in mini skirt and instead cures Rohit's mental illness and gives him great physical strength. Rohit transforms into MC Hammer, beats up baddies and sends Jadoo back with the promise to never send any noise signals their way.
Now on to the sequel, Rohit and Nisha have a baby and die. Wacky grandma Sonia raises Krishna (Hrithik Roshan, Radha would have been more suitable, just imagine Hrithik instead of Gracey Singh in Radha Kaise na Jale). When grandma learns that he is super intelligent and super strong she completely freaks out as if she inhaled enough crack for the rest of her life (which I think she did) and decides to home school him for his own good. Krrish having never had any friends or never seen a woman besides crazy grandma starts cross-dressing and ultimately becomes a drag queen. Roshan Sr. uses symbolism quite a lot, you are never told directly that Krishna is actually a queen but the only way to explain the combination of Krishna's hair, muscular body, evening gowns and dancing is a flaming queen itching to get on the stage and burn the floor with her fabulosity!
Krishna has now grown up to be Krish-sheena (that's his fabulous screen/stage name) and one day he saves the life of a tourist Priya (Priyanka Chopra). After two songs queen is madly in love with Priya. Priya is a reporter from Singapore and must return. Queen follows her to Singapore and then the story takes a twist; while at a circus, there's a fire and poor Chinki kids are trapped. Queen realizes that this is his chance, he can make the flashiest, most fabulous entrance into showbiz; after all when will the ballet training come to use? He picks up a supposedly burnt mask, which happens to fit his face perfectly and a trench coat, which again happens to fit his muscular body perfectly (I guess ESHA DEOL must have been a clown at the circus; he is the only one whose muscular body matches Hrithik's), saves the kids and becomes famous.
Meanwhile Evil Dr. Arya (Naseeruddin Shah), who happens to be in Singapore, has developed a computer that can tell you the future and plans to rule the world….MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA……………Okay don't even think logically as to how a computer can predict the future. This is a fantasy, a Bollywood fantasy; heck if a gay ghost can make Rani pregnant in Paheli albeit after covering her face with a brown bag then why can't a computer predict the future.
But Krrish-sheena wont let Devil (abbreviation for Dr. Evil) steal his thunder, it's his time and nobody I mean absolutely nobody can outshine him. Plus Devil is the one who abused and "killed" his father Rohit after using him to build the supercomputer. Krrish-sheena signs a multi-million dollar deal with Singapore tourism board (plus he already has a multi-million rupee deal with Bournvita) and chases Devil all over Singapore. This is what is called Ek Teer Se Do Nishane (hitting two targets with one shot); by chasing Devil throughout Singapore he is satisfying two sponsors at the same time. After making the sponsors happy there's some dhishum-dhishum, some rona, some khona, some paana, some gale milna before good triumphs over Evil and Krrish-sheena becomes the most famous drag queen superhero with a mullet in the history of the universe. It also helps that there is no other drag queen superhero with a mullet in the universe.
As you can see the story by Robin Bhatt, Sachin Bhowmick, Honey Irani, Akash Khurana and Rakesh Roshan is one of the most idiotic pieces of rubbish ever to come out of cinema. The Krrish character is one part Superman, one part Spiderman and one part Umrao Jaan. What were they thinking? Wrong Question. What were they copying from? This is what happens when you mix DVDs of crappy Hollywood CGI flicks, South Asian kungu fu classics and loud Bollywood historicals on courtesans. Aren't they ashamed of the blatant plagiarism??
Don't tell me that it is an Indianized version with Indian values or majority of people in India haven't seen the original or atleast it's well made or its something never tried in Bollywood. Those are just excuses, without giving due credit to the original a copy is a copy and just because somebody tries something different doesn't mean it's not garbage.
Another problem is with the logic (non-existent). Not another excuse that it was made for kids, what are we teaching our kids today that's its okay to be extremely dumb and shamelessly steal from the west?
Why would Krrish have superpowers? The alien Jadoo had superpowers and he cured the retarded Rohit (unfortunately you still had to bear the other retards in the movie, Rekha and Preity, and the director sahib himself). But how does Krishna have superpowers? I don't guess Rohit's spermatozoa was super-powerful enough? Hey maybe Jadoo humped Rohit and the alien DNA mixed with Rohit's and that's how the super powers were inherited (I am using Bollywood biology here, so bear with me). Still it doesn't explain how Nisha got pregnant with Krishna since Rohit was with mad scientist Dr Arya. Was it just a splash-n-dash for a wham-bam-thank-u-ma'am? Holy Shit, I get it. It's the Second Coming of Christ. Nisha gets impregnated just like Virgin Mary got pregnant with Jesus. Other and more likely scenario is that maybe Jadoo knocked-up Nisha.
There are numerous WTF moments in the movie..........
- Rekha saying "IQ test" as if it were an autopsy when the school principal's request for Krishna's IQ test
- The IQ test itself…….is not an IQ test but a General knowledge test……wtf?
- Krishna cracking a rock by punching a volleyball onto the rock. Fuck!! that's hilarious.
- The whole Rohit in flashback thing. Jadoo had cured the retarded Rohit then why does he behave like a retard with speech impediment; you know the old mentally challenged Rohit. Didn't Jadoo cure him?
- Sharat Saxena..........saying compoooter......all the time.
- The fight with all the Ninjas on the island, especially the flying kick that Krishna delivers to one of them.......LMFAO
- The flight in Dr. Evil's lair. Krishna is fighting and kicking and hitting at lightening speed but when the henchmen, the goondas fall, it goes into slow motion........WTF is that.
- The whole bullet scene at the end ..................LOL
Ooh how can I forget the numerous product placement forced throughout the script to make a few Gazillion rupees. Bournvita, Faber Castle crayons, Tide, Hero Honda, Samsung electronics are some of the sponsors featured. Totally annoying. What is with Hrithik movies and product placement? Remember the dotcom dotcom from Yaadein???
The FX are shoddy and the fights have a Matrix meets Crouching Tiger hangover, so much for imagination and originality.
The songs like the first movie are horrible. The background score is a bit better than the previous one since Salim-Suleiman do the score this time (thank dog!!!). However the "déjà vu" feeling is still there, if you know what I mean.
The cinematography is decent; it was sponsored by the Singapore/Manali tourism board and the Hrithik Roshan foundation (chairman: The son obsessed Rakesh Roshan). On screen all you see is beautiful Singapore/Manali locations or Hrithik's sweat, Hrithik's muscles, Hrithik's eyes, Hrithik's hair and since we are on the topic of Hrithik lets discuss him a little bit
Hrithik Roshan: well I have already discussed his fantastico tresses; but with the amount of product placement I was surprised L'Oreal Hicksville (redneck subsidiary of L'Oreal Paris specializing in mullets) was not a sponsor of his mop. Roshan Sr. missed out on a few million there. Hrithik struts his stuff in the movie and by that I mean his hair, bulging biceps and a cleavage with heaven pointing Nipples. Yes you heard it right; it's not SRK, its Hrithik who is showing his nipples this time around. His super-hero costume is a cross between Selene's (Underworld) and Neo's (Matrix) trench coat while his mask is a cross between Bruce Wayne (Batman Begins) and Patience Phillips (Catwoman). Frankly I have seen drag queens with better costumes at the Gay Pride Parade. Wait Krrish is a drag queen superhero, never mind. While on the topic of costumes, what on earth were the designers thinking? the weird halter-top cum choli and dhoti-meets-spandex costume that Hrithik sports reminds you of Barbara Eden from 'I-Dream-of-Jeannie', sadly you cant fold your hands, wink and nod your head like Jeannie to put some decent clothes on him. Damn those nipples. They are watching you, they are following you. Wasn't it enough that I already endure nightmares of SRK's nipple and nose thrusting millimeters close to my face that Hrithik had to display them here? anyways along with strutting his stuff he also dances like Michael Jackson, jumps, leaps, runs, swims, beats up baddies, saves children, saves scared heroine (wow this is so imaginative, I have never seen any our hero saving a damsel in any Bollywood movie before), handles wacky grandma (special brownie points for this, if it were me I would have stuffed a couple of porcupines down her throat) and keeps his identity as a drag queen superhero hidden. Hey even for superhero it's a bad PR move to know that there is the faintest chance that you bat for the opposing team.
Priyanka's role is completely awesome and very very hatke. She has to look pretty, smile sometimes, cry and shout sometimes, dance sometimes, get rescued, and dress outrageously. how much more scope do you need to showcase you talent?
Rekha continues with the WTF Factor from the first movie, acting more stoned, spooky and paranoid with even more garish makeup.
Naseeruddin Shah, what was he doing in this one? I didn't know he was in this, I think he accepted this fluff just to see how bad this movie will turn out even with his presence. Now he knows, even he can't provide a salvage value but he sure as hell does have a lot of fun in his role. You can actually see him smiling mockingly, devilishly thinking that he is saying what he is saying.
The only way to describe this film is to say that Rakesh Roshan had Diarrhea and the result of it is on screen.
People who find this movie awesome are either 7 year olds (mentally) or a teenage girl drooling at the thought of Hrithik's muscles (totally understandable)
RATING: IT'S SO BAD THAT IT'S GOOD……. IT'S AWESOME (well mentally I am a 7-year old after all)
Now I am off to India with my newly purchased Lawn mower to give Hrithik a decent haircut….
Friday, July 4, 2008
Rendezvous with Simi Garewal
SIMI: Welcome to a SPECIAL EPISODE of Rendezvous.....the most hard hitting questions will be asked to India's most famous actors..........
Special guests tonight......SRK, Shahrukh's Nipples, Tranny in Tank Top Zayeed, Aishwarya Rai, Vivek "Orangutan" Obey Rai, Sandaas Khan, ESHA DEOL, Hema Malini, Feroz Khan, Mallika Boobrawat, Karan Johar and Hrithik Roshan.
Simi: Shahrukh, people accuse that you are homosexual, what do you have to say about that?
SRK:......eeeeeeeeeeehehhehee.................Simi............MurHAbba.......that is absolutely wrong. I am try sexual, i try anything that is sexual. Right now I m trying KAran Johar and Zayeed.
Simi: So Shahrukh's Nipples, you have great emotional range and intensity, especially in the scenes that you have to cry. So what is the secret?
Nipples: Well all the director has to do is remind me of the magical nights i.e. every night when Karan Bites me and Zayeed licks me.
Simi: That is so touching ........Shahrukh's Nipples
Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Who's touching Shahrukh's nipples??? Who??
Simi: Ok Sandaas, a tulip and an oil field has been named after you ex girlfriend. what would you like to be named after you???
Sandaas: *in fake American accent* I would like the dirtiest filthiest toilet in the world to be named after me and the world championship of synchronized farting
Simi: Vivek, what would you like to be named after you like your girlfriend??
Vivek "Orangutan" Obey Rai: I wud like Orangutans to be named Vivekengutans after me and a Zoo............btw Salman farted 41 times on me today
Simi: ASH what do you think of Sandaas's farting?
ASH: It's FAB HOT
Simi: Do you approve of his farting in public??
ASH: I would azzummee its a reflection of our society. Of course people fart, of course people have a unhealthy shitting life. This is the land of Salman Khan but you don't see people around the street corner poohing or being extremely overtly demonstrative publicly..........they do it near the rail track
Simi: Are you willing to fart in your movies?
ASH: I will cross the bridge when I reach it.
Simi: Feroz what do you think about your son??
Feroz: Murhaabbba.............kya khubsoorat naujawan hain???..........ji karta hain isse choom lu............*goes and smooches fardeen*
Simi: Hema, how did you let your son ESHA cross dress in Dhoom. He was wearing so skimpy and small clothes???
Hema: Uuuuhhhhh......mainnnn......aaaaah .......apne bete ESHA ............uuuuhhhhhhhh....aur apni beti Bobby................se bahut ............aaaaaah pyaar karti hooon..............aur .................uummmmnnn.......unhe jo achha lage................karne deti hoon..............aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...
ESHA DEOL: *fart face expression on his face* Huh???
Simi: Mallika, so when are you going to show your boobs in movies???
Mallika: What?? they are not showing already???ooooh I forgot to take the top off ...................wait..........* takes her top off*
Simi: Oooh the resemblance of the twins is uncanny.
Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Top?? Tranny?? Who called me???
Simi: Hrithik, people say that your muscles are as good as ESHA DEOL. what do you have to say??
Hrithik: Daddy.....*looks for Rakesh*
ESHA DEOL: *fart face expression on his face* Huh???
Simi: your films are successful only if they are made by your dad and Suzzanne looks like an Albino. What do ya have to say??
Hrithik: Daddy.....*looks for Rakesh*
Simi: Karan, you have been linked to Shahrukh, Tranny in tank top, Zayeed and Shahrukh's Nipples..........do you love them??kya tumhe unse pyaar hain??
Karan Johar: Yeh Jism pyaar nahin jaanta, jaanta hain to bas Bhukh......jism ki bhukh......
Simi: Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed, what pick up line did Karan Johar use on you???
Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Karan said......"Hey baby ....you got any diseases??.....Want some?"
tune in soon for next weeks hard-hitting episode.........
Special guests tonight......SRK, Shahrukh's Nipples, Tranny in Tank Top Zayeed, Aishwarya Rai, Vivek "Orangutan" Obey Rai, Sandaas Khan, ESHA DEOL, Hema Malini, Feroz Khan, Mallika Boobrawat, Karan Johar and Hrithik Roshan.
Simi: Shahrukh, people accuse that you are homosexual, what do you have to say about that?
SRK:......eeeeeeeeeeehehhehee.................Simi............MurHAbba.......that is absolutely wrong. I am try sexual, i try anything that is sexual. Right now I m trying KAran Johar and Zayeed.
Simi: So Shahrukh's Nipples, you have great emotional range and intensity, especially in the scenes that you have to cry. So what is the secret?
Nipples: Well all the director has to do is remind me of the magical nights i.e. every night when Karan Bites me and Zayeed licks me.
Simi: That is so touching ........Shahrukh's Nipples
Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Who's touching Shahrukh's nipples??? Who??
Simi: Ok Sandaas, a tulip and an oil field has been named after you ex girlfriend. what would you like to be named after you???
Sandaas: *in fake American accent* I would like the dirtiest filthiest toilet in the world to be named after me and the world championship of synchronized farting
Simi: Vivek, what would you like to be named after you like your girlfriend??
Vivek "Orangutan" Obey Rai: I wud like Orangutans to be named Vivekengutans after me and a Zoo............btw Salman farted 41 times on me today
Simi: ASH what do you think of Sandaas's farting?
ASH: It's FAB HOT
Simi: Do you approve of his farting in public??
ASH: I would azzummee its a reflection of our society. Of course people fart, of course people have a unhealthy shitting life. This is the land of Salman Khan but you don't see people around the street corner poohing or being extremely overtly demonstrative publicly..........they do it near the rail track
Simi: Are you willing to fart in your movies?
ASH: I will cross the bridge when I reach it.
Simi: Feroz what do you think about your son??
Feroz: Murhaabbba.............kya khubsoorat naujawan hain???..........ji karta hain isse choom lu............*goes and smooches fardeen*
Simi: Hema, how did you let your son ESHA cross dress in Dhoom. He was wearing so skimpy and small clothes???
Hema: Uuuuhhhhh......mainnnn......aaaaah .......apne bete ESHA ............uuuuhhhhhhhh....aur apni beti Bobby................se bahut ............aaaaaah pyaar karti hooon..............aur .................uummmmnnn.......unhe jo achha lage................karne deti hoon..............aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh...
ESHA DEOL: *fart face expression on his face* Huh???
Simi: Mallika, so when are you going to show your boobs in movies???
Mallika: What?? they are not showing already???ooooh I forgot to take the top off ...................wait..........* takes her top off*
Simi: Oooh the resemblance of the twins is uncanny.
Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Top?? Tranny?? Who called me???
Simi: Hrithik, people say that your muscles are as good as ESHA DEOL. what do you have to say??
Hrithik: Daddy.....*looks for Rakesh*
ESHA DEOL: *fart face expression on his face* Huh???
Simi: your films are successful only if they are made by your dad and Suzzanne looks like an Albino. What do ya have to say??
Hrithik: Daddy.....*looks for Rakesh*
Simi: Karan, you have been linked to Shahrukh, Tranny in tank top, Zayeed and Shahrukh's Nipples..........do you love them??kya tumhe unse pyaar hain??
Karan Johar: Yeh Jism pyaar nahin jaanta, jaanta hain to bas Bhukh......jism ki bhukh......
Simi: Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed, what pick up line did Karan Johar use on you???
Tranny in Tank Tops, Zayeed: Karan said......"Hey baby ....you got any diseases??.....Want some?"
tune in soon for next weeks hard-hitting episode.........
Jodha Akbar
JO DUH!!!! AK-BLAH.............
What is with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and crappy scripts? They seem to go hand in hand; Umrao Jaan, Kyun Ho gaya na, Mistress of Spices, Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke, Provoked, do you get the point or should I list more? Normally any product this lady touches turns into gold, I ain't talking about the 400 million cubic feet of gold ore hanging of her ears in this movie, I am talking about the products she endorses. However she touches a movie, it invariably turns into dietary fiber and the result is huge, smoking hot, stinky pooh-pooh platter. El-delicioso!!
To be fair, Jodhaa Akbar ain't as bad……..wait, is it Jodha or Jodhaa or Joddha?.......for all we know she could have been named Disco Shanthi or Hip Hop Luxmi…. ………anyways when you have a director of Ashutosh Gowariker's caliber you set the bar high (hello he made SRK resemble a human and less a retarded alien from the planet Uranus). And speaking of bars, a couple of martinis might help you get through the movie. It is long, very long, very very long; unlike Lagaan it fails to keep you hooked for the running time.
Jalaluddin Akbar becomes emperor of the Mughal Empire, after his father's death, at the age of 13; he dreams of uniting various kingdoms across India under United Colors of Hindustan. He grows up to be a handsome emperor (Hrithik) and proposes the Rajputanas to surrender to his rule or face dire consequences (imposing burkha on all their ladies). The King of Amer (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) presses to form a political alliance with Akbar on the condition that he will marry his daughter Hip Hop Luxmi (Ash) and make her Mallika-E-Hindustan. Akbar asks for time to muse over the proposal. If Akbar was thinking what I was thinking, that time is justified.
Akbar: 'If Hip Hop Luxmi faintly resembles Mr. Butt face here, it's back to good old masturbation for the rest of my life'.
But as fate (and box office value) would have it, Hip Hop Luxmi is outright (one of) the most gorgeous princesses you can find (by waving your money).
Hip Hop Luxmi ain't no piece of meat though. She shall remain a Hindu, would have a shrine for her Krishan-ji in the Mughal palace and will not be Akbar's booty call no matter how horny he gets. No Touching, Period. Akbar is bemused at this woman's audacity and strength (Read: The part on Women's right in Sharia Law, if you find the part let me know). So Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar get hitched. Akbar now has two dreams: United Colors of Hindustan and Operation Get Laid code name Win Joddha's heart. Amidst amateur political intrigues, foolhardy conspiracies, bad character actor's horrifying attempts at acting, love blossoms between Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar. They overcome communal barriers and the jewelry between them to finally love and respect each other. They literally have to get into a swordfight for removing the jewelry Hip Hop Luxmi is wearing, to consummate their marriage. The swordfight comes after a significantly deep and philosophical self-argument Akbar has.
He finally concludes: "F**k Religion. I need to screw Jodhaa."
Hrithik is terrible as Akbar. Yes he is very good looking and in great shape, many people say he is so good looking that he looks almost regal/royal. I am not sure about the royal looking part, has anyone looked at the "royally good looking" Old hag aka Queen of England or her equally "royally good looking" twit/son Prince Charles? Incredible looks don't translate to acting ability though; ask Aishwarya Rai or Angelina Jolie. What he does have is sincerity and decent screen presence; it's not enough for this character. Besides strong screen presence Akbar's character needed someone to exude vulnerability, tenderness and ruthless political ambition simultaneously. Hrithik is too peachy to be ruthless. And then there is his voice. Allegedly, it is a well known fact that, amongst female actresses in India, when Naukrani Mukherji (allegedly female) speaks she farts through her mouth too. An acoustic study can explain how the high frequency and amplitude of Naukrani's fart combined with attempts to speak makes her sound exceptionally dreadful. Hrithik is the male equivalent (not as ghastly as Naukrani though) from Bollywood. His voice doesn't have the command or the necessary modulation. (Watch Pankaj Kapur in Maqbool to see how voice modulation can go a long way in establishing a strong and authentic characterization.) Hrithik does well in the romantic situations with Ash, his persona and voice is just perfect for mushy romance, but as a king his dialog delivery seems affected and his voice pitch fluctuates decidedly. Applause for him trying so hard though.
Aishwarya is quite alright as Jodhaa/ Hip Hop Luxmi actually. Her performance is restrained and resourceful; minimum dialog, appropriate facial expressions and perfect body language. Grace and poise personified, even with the weight of gold jewelry (enough to cause a Tsunami if dropped into the middle of Indian Ocean from a decent height). There is so much gold jewelry in the movie that when Ash wore it, she had her own gravitational field. Guess why Akbar was so "physically attracted" towards Joddha!! Hell that explains why SRK would not look at any other females except Ash in Devdas (and we know how much he likes the "ladies"). And here I thought Sanjay Leela Bhansali didn't know shit about Physics, he has used the principle of gravity in two movies: Devdas and now Joddha Akbar. Wait, Ashutosh directed this movie; all that jewelry screwed me up.
Supporting characters vary from good to appalling…….Sonu Sood is a younger, handsomer version of the Big B in terms of looks and a competent actor. Ila Arun is devilishly scrumptious as Super Bitch Maham Anga, Work it Girl. Niketan Dheer as Sharifuddin is menacing, he commanded more screen time.
The others ham it up "royally". Kulbhushan Kharbanda as Jodhaa's father gets on your nerves, Raza Murad is hopelessly bad and the bald dude who plays young Akbar's lieutenant Bairam Khan or whatever is louder by several decibels than the role demands. The pick of the lot is Poonam Sinha, wife of actor Shatrughan Sinha, who came out of retirement to play Akbar's birth mother. There was a reason she quit movies, she wouldn't get movie roles because she was ostensibly a horrendous actress. She should have stayed retired. Her dialog delivery is so exquisitely poor that the robotic voice on JP Morgan Chase's automated phone banking service seems human. Some really poor casting choices here.
Joddha Akbar is a spectacular movie to look at. The visual appeal is beyond description. The set design by Nitin Desai, cinematography by Kiran Deohans, costumes by Neeta Lula are as grand as they can get without ever being distracting. The Jewelry is a whole different matter (read earlier part of the review).
The music score (background) is shockingly bad; an amateur musician wouldn't botch up the score this bad. A. R. Rahman needs to stop scoring for movies that he composes songs for. He has screwed up too many times: Provoked, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Lord of the Rings: The Musical etc. None of them have been as much of a let down as JA. The background music has no flow, at a given moment it is deafening loud and the next moment it is mellow. Listen to the score of the recent movie The Fountain by Darren Aronofsky, the music takes the movie to a higher level of greatness; here it sticks out sour like Paris Hilton participating in a group discussion with MENSA members or Rakhi Sawant, say anywhere. The songs comparatively fare much better and are woven seamlessly into the narrative. Azeeno-shaan-shahenshah is almost hypnotic and redeems the score to an extent.
That's one of the things Ashutosh gets right, the wrongs far outweigh the rights though. The political drama is half baked, the family feud is cheesy, loud (read: extreme melodrama) and the war scenes, although authentic (except that climactic one inspired by Troy) and brilliantly orchestrated, are overstretched. Ashuotsh's ability to defy the cliché and extract understated performances from his cast seems to have evaporated this time around. The romance, however, is fairly elaborate and well drawn out, and that makes this worth a watch.
Lessons learned from the movie:
- Don't let religion get in the way of getting laid.
- Chivalry wasn't dead, atleast, in the 15th century.
- If you have a Nanny named something like Maham Anga, chances of her being a super bitch are high.
- Don't buy your girl so much jewelry that you have to use a sword and a couple of cranes to lift it off her.
What is with Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and crappy scripts? They seem to go hand in hand; Umrao Jaan, Kyun Ho gaya na, Mistress of Spices, Dhaai Akshar Prem Ke, Provoked, do you get the point or should I list more? Normally any product this lady touches turns into gold, I ain't talking about the 400 million cubic feet of gold ore hanging of her ears in this movie, I am talking about the products she endorses. However she touches a movie, it invariably turns into dietary fiber and the result is huge, smoking hot, stinky pooh-pooh platter. El-delicioso!!
To be fair, Jodhaa Akbar ain't as bad……..wait, is it Jodha or Jodhaa or Joddha?.......for all we know she could have been named Disco Shanthi or Hip Hop Luxmi…. ………anyways when you have a director of Ashutosh Gowariker's caliber you set the bar high (hello he made SRK resemble a human and less a retarded alien from the planet Uranus). And speaking of bars, a couple of martinis might help you get through the movie. It is long, very long, very very long; unlike Lagaan it fails to keep you hooked for the running time.
Jalaluddin Akbar becomes emperor of the Mughal Empire, after his father's death, at the age of 13; he dreams of uniting various kingdoms across India under United Colors of Hindustan. He grows up to be a handsome emperor (Hrithik) and proposes the Rajputanas to surrender to his rule or face dire consequences (imposing burkha on all their ladies). The King of Amer (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) presses to form a political alliance with Akbar on the condition that he will marry his daughter Hip Hop Luxmi (Ash) and make her Mallika-E-Hindustan. Akbar asks for time to muse over the proposal. If Akbar was thinking what I was thinking, that time is justified.
Akbar: 'If Hip Hop Luxmi faintly resembles Mr. Butt face here, it's back to good old masturbation for the rest of my life'.
But as fate (and box office value) would have it, Hip Hop Luxmi is outright (one of) the most gorgeous princesses you can find (by waving your money).
Hip Hop Luxmi ain't no piece of meat though. She shall remain a Hindu, would have a shrine for her Krishan-ji in the Mughal palace and will not be Akbar's booty call no matter how horny he gets. No Touching, Period. Akbar is bemused at this woman's audacity and strength (Read: The part on Women's right in Sharia Law, if you find the part let me know). So Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar get hitched. Akbar now has two dreams: United Colors of Hindustan and Operation Get Laid code name Win Joddha's heart. Amidst amateur political intrigues, foolhardy conspiracies, bad character actor's horrifying attempts at acting, love blossoms between Hip Hop Luxmi and Akbar. They overcome communal barriers and the jewelry between them to finally love and respect each other. They literally have to get into a swordfight for removing the jewelry Hip Hop Luxmi is wearing, to consummate their marriage. The swordfight comes after a significantly deep and philosophical self-argument Akbar has.
He finally concludes: "F**k Religion. I need to screw Jodhaa."
Hrithik is terrible as Akbar. Yes he is very good looking and in great shape, many people say he is so good looking that he looks almost regal/royal. I am not sure about the royal looking part, has anyone looked at the "royally good looking" Old hag aka Queen of England or her equally "royally good looking" twit/son Prince Charles? Incredible looks don't translate to acting ability though; ask Aishwarya Rai or Angelina Jolie. What he does have is sincerity and decent screen presence; it's not enough for this character. Besides strong screen presence Akbar's character needed someone to exude vulnerability, tenderness and ruthless political ambition simultaneously. Hrithik is too peachy to be ruthless. And then there is his voice. Allegedly, it is a well known fact that, amongst female actresses in India, when Naukrani Mukherji (allegedly female) speaks she farts through her mouth too. An acoustic study can explain how the high frequency and amplitude of Naukrani's fart combined with attempts to speak makes her sound exceptionally dreadful. Hrithik is the male equivalent (not as ghastly as Naukrani though) from Bollywood. His voice doesn't have the command or the necessary modulation. (Watch Pankaj Kapur in Maqbool to see how voice modulation can go a long way in establishing a strong and authentic characterization.) Hrithik does well in the romantic situations with Ash, his persona and voice is just perfect for mushy romance, but as a king his dialog delivery seems affected and his voice pitch fluctuates decidedly. Applause for him trying so hard though.
Aishwarya is quite alright as Jodhaa/ Hip Hop Luxmi actually. Her performance is restrained and resourceful; minimum dialog, appropriate facial expressions and perfect body language. Grace and poise personified, even with the weight of gold jewelry (enough to cause a Tsunami if dropped into the middle of Indian Ocean from a decent height). There is so much gold jewelry in the movie that when Ash wore it, she had her own gravitational field. Guess why Akbar was so "physically attracted" towards Joddha!! Hell that explains why SRK would not look at any other females except Ash in Devdas (and we know how much he likes the "ladies"). And here I thought Sanjay Leela Bhansali didn't know shit about Physics, he has used the principle of gravity in two movies: Devdas and now Joddha Akbar. Wait, Ashutosh directed this movie; all that jewelry screwed me up.
Supporting characters vary from good to appalling…….Sonu Sood is a younger, handsomer version of the Big B in terms of looks and a competent actor. Ila Arun is devilishly scrumptious as Super Bitch Maham Anga, Work it Girl. Niketan Dheer as Sharifuddin is menacing, he commanded more screen time.
The others ham it up "royally". Kulbhushan Kharbanda as Jodhaa's father gets on your nerves, Raza Murad is hopelessly bad and the bald dude who plays young Akbar's lieutenant Bairam Khan or whatever is louder by several decibels than the role demands. The pick of the lot is Poonam Sinha, wife of actor Shatrughan Sinha, who came out of retirement to play Akbar's birth mother. There was a reason she quit movies, she wouldn't get movie roles because she was ostensibly a horrendous actress. She should have stayed retired. Her dialog delivery is so exquisitely poor that the robotic voice on JP Morgan Chase's automated phone banking service seems human. Some really poor casting choices here.
Joddha Akbar is a spectacular movie to look at. The visual appeal is beyond description. The set design by Nitin Desai, cinematography by Kiran Deohans, costumes by Neeta Lula are as grand as they can get without ever being distracting. The Jewelry is a whole different matter (read earlier part of the review).
The music score (background) is shockingly bad; an amateur musician wouldn't botch up the score this bad. A. R. Rahman needs to stop scoring for movies that he composes songs for. He has screwed up too many times: Provoked, Elizabeth: The Golden Age, The Lord of the Rings: The Musical etc. None of them have been as much of a let down as JA. The background music has no flow, at a given moment it is deafening loud and the next moment it is mellow. Listen to the score of the recent movie The Fountain by Darren Aronofsky, the music takes the movie to a higher level of greatness; here it sticks out sour like Paris Hilton participating in a group discussion with MENSA members or Rakhi Sawant, say anywhere. The songs comparatively fare much better and are woven seamlessly into the narrative. Azeeno-shaan-shahenshah is almost hypnotic and redeems the score to an extent.
That's one of the things Ashutosh gets right, the wrongs far outweigh the rights though. The political drama is half baked, the family feud is cheesy, loud (read: extreme melodrama) and the war scenes, although authentic (except that climactic one inspired by Troy) and brilliantly orchestrated, are overstretched. Ashuotsh's ability to defy the cliché and extract understated performances from his cast seems to have evaporated this time around. The romance, however, is fairly elaborate and well drawn out, and that makes this worth a watch.
Lessons learned from the movie:
- Don't let religion get in the way of getting laid.
- Chivalry wasn't dead, atleast, in the 15th century.
- If you have a Nanny named something like Maham Anga, chances of her being a super bitch are high.
- Don't buy your girl so much jewelry that you have to use a sword and a couple of cranes to lift it off her.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Veer Zaara
Veer Zaara
After watching this movie, I began contemplating, why do people hate each other? Why do they hurt others emotionally and physically? Why do they discriminate? Why do they commit hate crimes? Why they become self-destructive?
Then I realized why. Some people make turdfests like Veer Zaara. I was tearing my hair off while watching the movie and wanted to hit out at someone or something really bad.
It was promoted as a love legend (more on that later) and a big blockbuster. So what's the requirement to make a Yash Chopra Blockbuster?
SRK. Amritsar cornfields. 300,000 songs. 300 1/2 hour running time. Rani or Preity. Rani and Preity together in hideous clothes even better. 300 tons of makeup and 400 tons of gold jewelry (wait that's a Sanjay Leela Bhansali blockbuster requirement). A wise and supportive hero's father and a stubborn ass heroine's father. A stubborner meaner badder fiancé of our poor gal. Our heroine is always traditional and believes in family values. And a love story (which wont be a story if people used a little bit of logic)
The story is simple. Raj (SRK) a rescue pilot saves Simran (Preity) from drowning in a 3-foot swimming pool (how I wish for a change the heroine saved the hero's life like saving him from being raped by Karan or something) and he promises to get her across the border. Hold on did I say Raj and Simran, well it's Veer-Zaara (Raj Simran Veer-Zaara same old shit). The first half is same as DDLJ anyways. So ok they like travel and stuff and he stops by in his village to meet his "mom and dad" or whatever (AB and Hema). They sing 100 songs and Preity miraculously changes AB's mind about not letting gals study. Oh the convincing power of this feisty gal (actually the convincing power of her booty)
After their short 200-day stay he drops her in Pakistan. At the train station as they walk way from each they realize they are in love after meeting for like 100 minutes. Deja' vu anyone? Why do our boy n gal realize they are in love at the train station after separation? When SRK realizes that she is engaged he decides to "sacrifice" his love. No, no he is not afraid of the fact that he is an Indian in Pakistan or the fact that there are huge guys who can beat his shit to pulp. It's a sacrifice. But bad guy (SRK's hamming partner Manoj Bajpai) has a conspiracy in mind and gets him jailed. To keep Zaara's honor he keeps quiet and goes to jail for 22 years. Even bigger "sacrifice" its so big it is a LEGEND.
Now leaving Zaara because she is engaged to someone else I understand, but why rot in a prison for 22 years that too in Pakistan where the inmates know you are an Indian and the probability of being fucked by anal probes ranging from hands, fists, penises, green chilies, steel pipes and plates and other devices like vacuum cleaners is 100%?
Hold on, SRK imprisoned for 22 yrs in an all male prison that too in Pakistan. Yeah baby. This is one Karan Johar fantasy come true.
Then after 22 years an overzealous HR liar (Rani) decides to save prisoner # 786 because she is a feminist who wants equal rights for women. What's the connection? Ask Mr. Yash Chopra. She blabbers and Bullshits in court and comes the fairy tale ending. Even the Pakistani judge could not stomach Rani's voice for more than 5 seconds and decides to emancipate SRK as long as it stops the squealing motor mouth; it was like he read my mind.
But wait not before people start singing in the courtroom. WTF?? The judge is like "Oh I am le bored" looking at SRK judge says, "You… pretty boy start singing"
Its good that Karan Johar didn't direct this movie, otherwise it would have been an item number with male strippers in thongs, dancing to convey SRK's love for Preity.
SRK hasn't spoken to anyone in 22 years but just because Rani the HR Liar calls him by his name he pours his heart out. Duh! Dude come on tell the truth. You have been in prison for 22 years. You are HORNY, VERY VERY HORNY and Rani is humpable with the aid of a few drinks, a strap on, dim lights and brown bags. Don't BS.
Acting wise all of the actors SRK, AB, Preity, Rani, Hema, especially Manoj laugh, cry, make weird faces (because of constipation may be) and ham like there's no tomorrow. Oh and why is SRK wearing designer clothes of 2005 in that period?
There were some funny parts too. Actually only one when I think about it, SRK says to Preity something like "Maine tum se Khoobsurat ladki nahin dekhi......." hahaha I fell of the chair. SRK is like so blind in most of his movies.
How I wish our Rescue Pilot was traveling in a helicopter before he met Zaara and HIS HELICOPTER HAD AN EJECTOR SEAT AND HE ACCIDENTLY PRESSED THE EJECT SEAT BUTTON he would have died after getting caught in the helicopter blades and we would have been saved of this ATROCITY called Veer Zaara.
After watching this movie, I began contemplating, why do people hate each other? Why do they hurt others emotionally and physically? Why do they discriminate? Why do they commit hate crimes? Why they become self-destructive?
Then I realized why. Some people make turdfests like Veer Zaara. I was tearing my hair off while watching the movie and wanted to hit out at someone or something really bad.
It was promoted as a love legend (more on that later) and a big blockbuster. So what's the requirement to make a Yash Chopra Blockbuster?
SRK. Amritsar cornfields. 300,000 songs. 300 1/2 hour running time. Rani or Preity. Rani and Preity together in hideous clothes even better. 300 tons of makeup and 400 tons of gold jewelry (wait that's a Sanjay Leela Bhansali blockbuster requirement). A wise and supportive hero's father and a stubborn ass heroine's father. A stubborner meaner badder fiancé of our poor gal. Our heroine is always traditional and believes in family values. And a love story (which wont be a story if people used a little bit of logic)
The story is simple. Raj (SRK) a rescue pilot saves Simran (Preity) from drowning in a 3-foot swimming pool (how I wish for a change the heroine saved the hero's life like saving him from being raped by Karan or something) and he promises to get her across the border. Hold on did I say Raj and Simran, well it's Veer-Zaara (Raj Simran Veer-Zaara same old shit). The first half is same as DDLJ anyways. So ok they like travel and stuff and he stops by in his village to meet his "mom and dad" or whatever (AB and Hema). They sing 100 songs and Preity miraculously changes AB's mind about not letting gals study. Oh the convincing power of this feisty gal (actually the convincing power of her booty)
After their short 200-day stay he drops her in Pakistan. At the train station as they walk way from each they realize they are in love after meeting for like 100 minutes. Deja' vu anyone? Why do our boy n gal realize they are in love at the train station after separation? When SRK realizes that she is engaged he decides to "sacrifice" his love. No, no he is not afraid of the fact that he is an Indian in Pakistan or the fact that there are huge guys who can beat his shit to pulp. It's a sacrifice. But bad guy (SRK's hamming partner Manoj Bajpai) has a conspiracy in mind and gets him jailed. To keep Zaara's honor he keeps quiet and goes to jail for 22 years. Even bigger "sacrifice" its so big it is a LEGEND.
Now leaving Zaara because she is engaged to someone else I understand, but why rot in a prison for 22 years that too in Pakistan where the inmates know you are an Indian and the probability of being fucked by anal probes ranging from hands, fists, penises, green chilies, steel pipes and plates and other devices like vacuum cleaners is 100%?
Hold on, SRK imprisoned for 22 yrs in an all male prison that too in Pakistan. Yeah baby. This is one Karan Johar fantasy come true.
Then after 22 years an overzealous HR liar (Rani) decides to save prisoner # 786 because she is a feminist who wants equal rights for women. What's the connection? Ask Mr. Yash Chopra. She blabbers and Bullshits in court and comes the fairy tale ending. Even the Pakistani judge could not stomach Rani's voice for more than 5 seconds and decides to emancipate SRK as long as it stops the squealing motor mouth; it was like he read my mind.
But wait not before people start singing in the courtroom. WTF?? The judge is like "Oh I am le bored" looking at SRK judge says, "You… pretty boy start singing"
Its good that Karan Johar didn't direct this movie, otherwise it would have been an item number with male strippers in thongs, dancing to convey SRK's love for Preity.
SRK hasn't spoken to anyone in 22 years but just because Rani the HR Liar calls him by his name he pours his heart out. Duh! Dude come on tell the truth. You have been in prison for 22 years. You are HORNY, VERY VERY HORNY and Rani is humpable with the aid of a few drinks, a strap on, dim lights and brown bags. Don't BS.
Acting wise all of the actors SRK, AB, Preity, Rani, Hema, especially Manoj laugh, cry, make weird faces (because of constipation may be) and ham like there's no tomorrow. Oh and why is SRK wearing designer clothes of 2005 in that period?
There were some funny parts too. Actually only one when I think about it, SRK says to Preity something like "Maine tum se Khoobsurat ladki nahin dekhi......." hahaha I fell of the chair. SRK is like so blind in most of his movies.
How I wish our Rescue Pilot was traveling in a helicopter before he met Zaara and HIS HELICOPTER HAD AN EJECTOR SEAT AND HE ACCIDENTLY PRESSED THE EJECT SEAT BUTTON he would have died after getting caught in the helicopter blades and we would have been saved of this ATROCITY called Veer Zaara.
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